playing a bit of catch up.

Beginning sentences are always tough for me. I’m looking to captivate my readers, but at the same time it’s so hard to decide how to kick things off. I’ve recently had some huge transformations, shifts, breakthroughs, realizations and it’s just difficult to explore them in a way that is helpful and inspiring to others, which is really my goal here. The way my life has unfolded over the past several months has been one long, beautiful, awakening journey and I want to share it with you so that you too can see that our realities are ours to create. That’s what I realized a while back, and I made it my mantra. Now here I am, in this wonderful place, with these amazing opportunities, lovely people, invaluable experiences.


At this very moment I am tucked away in the Illinois River Valley of Southwest Oregon living and working on a small, family run farm. Whether I am trimming lavender in the garden, swimming in the refreshing river in the warm sunshine, or organizing handcrafted soap, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "How did I end up here?" I left the East Coast and all I knew, and stepped into so much unknown, trusting my heart and listening to my spirit. Each experience along the way has filled me with so much confidence, joy, knowledge, and insight.

Portland allowed me to begin to feel my own two feet under me. I was able to adjust to being so far away from my previous lifestyle in the comfort of family and friends. I whipped around the city on my bike taking it all in; the people, smells, opinions, arcades, and beer that Portland has to offer. I stopped to smell the flowers, do yoga and learn some bicycle maintenance. I also realized that as much as Portland is an amazing city, far more dynamic and progressive than anywhere else I’ve lived, it’s still a city. My heart felt a tad restless and try as I might, I just couldn’t completely plug in. I decided to let go of the desire to attach and just feel where my flow was pulling me.

I ended up at the unbelievably incredible Oregon Country Fair. I was offered a very rare opportunity to work a booth at the fair with some friends who make their own handcrafted products.  Saying yes to this opportuinty has opened so many doors. What a magical experience. The Fair kind of pulled me in, nourished me, took good care of me and set me free. I danced, I sang, I connected, I completely and entirely let go of any insecurities I’ve felt about myself. On the surface, the Fair is three days of music, arts, forums, handcrafted products, parades, good food, and conscious vibes. It takes place on a beautiful 400 acre plot of enchanted forest that has so much history to it. Take a closer look and one will find that the Fair is a completely conscious event which takes good care of the Earth, giving all who attend a chance to live to their full expressions.  Clothing optional, fairywings encouraged, singing by an open fire, dancing to the beat of a hundred different drums, feeling myself swept away by the current of life. I allowed myself to breath deep and let go.

 I was offered an opportunity to work at a second music and arts festival in North California with the same family I worked with at the Fair, which I accepted with gratitude and excitement. In the week between festivals I camped in Ashland behind Em’s house and just took some time to digest some of the huge shifts I felt happening with me. I explored some new types of yoga, laid in the sunshine, swam in the creek, danced to music and slept under the stars. I had lots of time to connect with myself and check in about how I felt about the flow my life was riding. Each day I woke up and meditated on my intentions. Each day I reminded myself to let go and trust. Let go of my anxieties, worries, insecurities and expectations. Trust that God, Spirit, Creator, Mother, Father, was taking care of me, as long as I kept my heart open and my intentions selfless.
The festival in California was a completely different experience then the Country Fair, and opened me, inspired me, and nourished me in wonderfully diverse ways. I had quite an insightful spiritual reading, which reminded me to stop paying so much attention to the details of every step and trust that I am headed in the right direction. I was reminded that I have a strong mind, leadership qualities and a fiery soul. I will leave footprints wherever I go. I was told to forget the current of life, for I have wings and once I trust myself enough, I will fly. This I know, this I’ve always known.

So now that we are in the dog days of summer, I am spending my time tucked far away in the Siskiyou Mountains, surrounded by the beauty of nature everywhere I look.  I am learning new skills, and gaining a refreshing new view of life.  I am so disconnected from technology and mainstream life, and so able to connect with nature and my Self. I know the Universe in her wise ways has lead me here.  I don't waste time questioning or doubting, because I feel completely fulfilled every moment of every day.  I wake up excited for what the day will bring, and I go to bed feeling satisfied. nurished, and grateful. I’ve had some really interesting experiences with my heart lately too. I’ve learned a lot about my desires around love and how in many ways what I’m lacking most is self-love. I tend look for a certain kind of acceptance and love from others, when in fact I am actually learning to completely and unconditionally love myself. I am aware that until I can fully do this, I won’t really be open to love coming into my life, even if it’s right there in front of me. I think more than anything, what I’m learning is that I have convinced myself for some crazy reason, that I am not worthy of being loved unconditionally for who I am. I have trained myself to believe that I am not deserving of being loved, understood, and accepted. Slowly and deeply I am beginning to untangle that knot of lies. I am learning so much about myself that I love, and I realize that my life will take me exactly where I need to go. Along this journey I will meet people who will love me, teach me, accept me, and understand me. In fact, everyday I am told by an amazing 6 year old that she loves me with all heart and I am her favorite person in the world (after her ma, pa and little sis). How lucky am I?! What it comes down to is that Love comes to us in many different forms. I am showered with love from my own amazing family; I am showered with love from the wonderful friends I’ve had and the wonderful friends I’ve recently met; I am showered with love from the sunshine, moonshine, vast sky filled with wonder, from the refreshing river and the lush garden. I am so abundant that sometimes it takes my breath away.
We create our own realities. My life looks entirely different than it did a few months ago. It will continue to evolve as I move along my path. I encourage you, ask you, beg you, to tell yourself each morning as you wake up: I create my own reality. Each night before you go to bed: I create my own reality. Each afternoon you sit in traffic, make lunch, check your email, go to the store: I create my own reality. We do not have to live someone else’s dream or fulfill someone else’s destiny. Life is far too juicy to not take a huge bite out of.






Much love and countless blessings.

What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

This month has been chock full of learning for me.  Learning, (re)discovering, opening, shifting and surrendering.  I began this journey with only vague expectations, staying open to what opportunities life brought my way.  I take a deep breath in this moment realizing the significance of that affirmation. I find myself moving with incredible momentum on a journey that continues to fulfill me with abudance, love, fun, and a richness of life that I have yearned for. 

After spending a few weeks in Portland, I noticed this restlessness.  I couldn't put my finger on what I was looking for, or what was missing, but I found myself in this routine that left me feeling...well, restless.  Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed riding my bike around the city, getting lost, doing yoga, smelling the roses, gawking at the mountains.  Portland has a vibe I can groove too.  Still, I noticed this void, this lack of connectedness. And of course, this was no fault of Portland's.  I was yearning, calling for, manifesting something beyond this routine. Finally, I gave myself stillness, silence and space to explore this.  Leaning up against Mother Pine in a beautiful, lush park I slipped into a peaceful and powerful meditation.  Initially I felt that familiar voice of doubt.  It tensed my muscles and heated my skin.  I noticed Doubt, acknowleged her and let her go.  Deeper I slid, letting the Earth hold me up.  I could feel my energy bounce around my body, making my joints twitch.  It was like falling, feeling the rush of letting go of all the uncertainty, fear and doubt I hold onto and surrendering to nothingness. If you have ever meditated, you know how amazing this experience can be.  Silence and stillness create room for necessary breakthroughs to take place, realizations to be made.  We are quite good at keeping ourselves busy, our lives noisy and hectic, and our schedules booked.  Quiet, still moments are rare and can sometimes be uncomfortable.  What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

Since that time in the park, I have felt incredible.  That night I slept better than I had in a long time, waking up feeling rested, awake and excited to be alive.  I noticed this yummy, comfortable feeling in my own skin. Things had certainly shifted for me, leaving me feeling free, light and confident. I began to say yes to opportunities that came my way, relinquishing the hold I had on my plans. Life around me is beautiful and fun.  I feel that I am tapping into the richness and beauty of life.   I decided to jump on the chance to work a booth at the Oregon Country Fair.  When the opportunity for arose, I could feel "the other" start to speak up, voicing doubt and fear.  I went back to the place of peace I found in the park and decided to say yes.  The Fair was a magical, powerful, spirtual experience that continued to nurish my soul with music, love, family, spirituality and a reminder to stay connected with nature. I feel truly blessed to have this experience. 

 It is clear to me that I am moving with momentum in the right direction, but the journey is going to be incredible. When we can take time to go within, listen to our hearts and look to our souls we find all we need to know.  Yes, we will also have to face the doubt, fear and insecurity that may have made a home in there, but we can move through those blocks. On the other side is freedom.

Let go
    Let go
        Let go

Lightening my load.

I am having a really interesting breakthrough lately and I tried to write about it earlier, but I wasn't in the right space for it.  The intention was good, and I genuinely could sense the desire to share what I was experiencing, but I just felt kind of numb. However, I'm feeling a bit more in touch now.

Something that has been gnawing at me lately is the idea that I all too often think about what other people think about me.  In fact, I think I consider it way too much.  In many instances, I first think about how other people think, instead of how I think. In fact, not only do I think about what other people think, but I worry about what other people think. I may even make decisions based on what other people think. In all honesty, I think it's something I've done my entire life without even realizing it, and now that I am at a really open, honest place with myself I need to let this habit go.  Even just being aware that I do this, however, I can already sense a shift.  Allowing myself to acknowledge that this is a pattern for me, something that I do, I can feel it start to unhinge from inside of me.  It's not fun to look at this in the face, but I do believe it will be worth it for me.  I'm in a very important place where it's crucial that I do not worry about what other people think, because in the end I am the one living this life.  It seems so obvious, and this may be something that not everyone struggles with. For me though, I feel like I'm beginning to realize just how much of a burden this is to me.  A burden I am very ready to unload.


Mantra
It is a blessing in disguise that I am in this position,
even though at times I have fear and doubt. 
I accept myself in this moment for all that I am
and I allow myself to surrender to the abundance that is around me. 

Transiency

My current living situation has been very fitting for my current state of mind.  Different people coming and going, venturing off in different directions, on unique adventures.  As I write this, a trio of guys are packing up their gear and getting ready to ship off on a bike trip to San Fransisco.  They have about two weeks to make the tirp down the coast. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous. Prior to that, the housemates we had living here moved out, one of them heading to West Africa and Europe for a few weeks. These different scenarios continue to remind me of my own yearnings.  When I first arrived here in Portland, I could feel the pull of some part of me (which I've been kindly refering to as my ego-self) wanting to attach; put down some roots and really call this place home, maybe even go buy some real curtains for my room. Then I find myself in the travel section of Powell's books, and my heart races as I flip through the World Atlas, and skim over maps.  I notice the twinge of envy as the boys pack up their bikes and head South.  It is truly lovely here and I am enjoying every moment of everyday (especially since summer has finally arrived!). I find Portland to resonate in so many ways, with the lifestyle I prefer. Yet I also notice that I am getting more comfortable with this sense of non-attachment.  I remember that though it may not be what everyone around me is doing, my decisions excite me.

 Striving to be patient with myself and remain present with the hear and now, surrendering to the current of life.

Something occured

"Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Yes we are going to suffer, yes we are going to have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back - and at some point everyone looks back - she will hear her heart saying, "What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed upon you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.'"
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by."
~ Paulo Coelho

From the West Coast.

Moved. Transitioned(ing?).  Plucked up, re-planted.  All of this planning, preparation, organizing and THINKING goes into this and then BAM all of a sudden it's just happening.  One thing I have come to understand about myself is that I am a slow-processor. What I mean by that is, some people can just be in a situation and react to it.  For me, it takes some time for me to digest it and then react.  This morning I woke up and didn't realize where I was at first.  Then slowly things began to fall into place.  As I began to move about the morning and feel my feet under me, I could tell I wasn't quite present.  I was sort of putting my feelers out there, but not quite feeling yet. If that makes any sense. Eventually, as if I just needed to warm up, I began to feel myself coming to, waking up, becoming present in the moment.  It felt good.

Let's get some specifics out on the table so we are all on the same page here: I moved from Cambridge, MA to Portland, OR. No job, not attending school, just came to come. I have a wonderful living situation out here and some amazing friends. As different and far away as I feel, it also feels completely good to be here.  I was craving different, I was craving new and a bit crazy.  However, I will admit my ego speaks up every now and then saying "don't you want to claim this as your own, how can we do that?" I can tell this part of me, my ego-self, wants a sense of identity here.  Something to call my own.  Instead, I am willing and ready to allow this leg of my journey to be transient. I had the solid ground, I had the routine and I decided to leave that behind. While all of this jibber jabber is going on in my mind, I want to listen to my heart. What is it that I really want? I'm here, in a community I feel so connected to already, surrounded by people with similar ideals and values and could easily find myself wanting to actually put some roots down.  Is that ego talking though? Because I also have this part of my that wants to fly.  I do feel a bit confused, fuzzy and torn as to what I want. Ya know, just in case you couldn't tell.

I'm going to stay present, I'm going to breath, and I'm going to listen to my heart. 

"Ms. Tretter why do you have to leave?"

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land"
~ Ernesto Che Guevara



Slowly I feel the roots coming up. The knots untangling, the strings detaching. I am experiencing the feeling of tearing away from all I am doing here, all I know here.  Each day that goes by brings with it a new handful of goodbyes and it's fair share of "last times." Each moment presents a new chance to be fully aware of what I am doing.  It's a gift and a challenge at the same time. I have been so blessed to have the people in my life who have helped, encouraged, inspired, and challenged me. From those I have lived with, to those I have only known at a distance and all those in between, each have left me with so much gratitude for their words of advice and their words of caution. I find that as I open up to co-workers, friends, family, almost-strangers about what I'm doing, instantly there is a different connection.  I'm putting my dreams, vulnerabilities and quite spotty plan on the table and each reacts in such a unique way.  Each reaction is a chance for me to recognize my Self in it all.