What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

This month has been chock full of learning for me.  Learning, (re)discovering, opening, shifting and surrendering.  I began this journey with only vague expectations, staying open to what opportunities life brought my way.  I take a deep breath in this moment realizing the significance of that affirmation. I find myself moving with incredible momentum on a journey that continues to fulfill me with abudance, love, fun, and a richness of life that I have yearned for. 

After spending a few weeks in Portland, I noticed this restlessness.  I couldn't put my finger on what I was looking for, or what was missing, but I found myself in this routine that left me feeling...well, restless.  Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed riding my bike around the city, getting lost, doing yoga, smelling the roses, gawking at the mountains.  Portland has a vibe I can groove too.  Still, I noticed this void, this lack of connectedness. And of course, this was no fault of Portland's.  I was yearning, calling for, manifesting something beyond this routine. Finally, I gave myself stillness, silence and space to explore this.  Leaning up against Mother Pine in a beautiful, lush park I slipped into a peaceful and powerful meditation.  Initially I felt that familiar voice of doubt.  It tensed my muscles and heated my skin.  I noticed Doubt, acknowleged her and let her go.  Deeper I slid, letting the Earth hold me up.  I could feel my energy bounce around my body, making my joints twitch.  It was like falling, feeling the rush of letting go of all the uncertainty, fear and doubt I hold onto and surrendering to nothingness. If you have ever meditated, you know how amazing this experience can be.  Silence and stillness create room for necessary breakthroughs to take place, realizations to be made.  We are quite good at keeping ourselves busy, our lives noisy and hectic, and our schedules booked.  Quiet, still moments are rare and can sometimes be uncomfortable.  What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

Since that time in the park, I have felt incredible.  That night I slept better than I had in a long time, waking up feeling rested, awake and excited to be alive.  I noticed this yummy, comfortable feeling in my own skin. Things had certainly shifted for me, leaving me feeling free, light and confident. I began to say yes to opportunities that came my way, relinquishing the hold I had on my plans. Life around me is beautiful and fun.  I feel that I am tapping into the richness and beauty of life.   I decided to jump on the chance to work a booth at the Oregon Country Fair.  When the opportunity for arose, I could feel "the other" start to speak up, voicing doubt and fear.  I went back to the place of peace I found in the park and decided to say yes.  The Fair was a magical, powerful, spirtual experience that continued to nurish my soul with music, love, family, spirituality and a reminder to stay connected with nature. I feel truly blessed to have this experience. 

 It is clear to me that I am moving with momentum in the right direction, but the journey is going to be incredible. When we can take time to go within, listen to our hearts and look to our souls we find all we need to know.  Yes, we will also have to face the doubt, fear and insecurity that may have made a home in there, but we can move through those blocks. On the other side is freedom.

Let go
    Let go
        Let go

Lightening my load.

I am having a really interesting breakthrough lately and I tried to write about it earlier, but I wasn't in the right space for it.  The intention was good, and I genuinely could sense the desire to share what I was experiencing, but I just felt kind of numb. However, I'm feeling a bit more in touch now.

Something that has been gnawing at me lately is the idea that I all too often think about what other people think about me.  In fact, I think I consider it way too much.  In many instances, I first think about how other people think, instead of how I think. In fact, not only do I think about what other people think, but I worry about what other people think. I may even make decisions based on what other people think. In all honesty, I think it's something I've done my entire life without even realizing it, and now that I am at a really open, honest place with myself I need to let this habit go.  Even just being aware that I do this, however, I can already sense a shift.  Allowing myself to acknowledge that this is a pattern for me, something that I do, I can feel it start to unhinge from inside of me.  It's not fun to look at this in the face, but I do believe it will be worth it for me.  I'm in a very important place where it's crucial that I do not worry about what other people think, because in the end I am the one living this life.  It seems so obvious, and this may be something that not everyone struggles with. For me though, I feel like I'm beginning to realize just how much of a burden this is to me.  A burden I am very ready to unload.


Mantra
It is a blessing in disguise that I am in this position,
even though at times I have fear and doubt. 
I accept myself in this moment for all that I am
and I allow myself to surrender to the abundance that is around me.