Transiency

My current living situation has been very fitting for my current state of mind.  Different people coming and going, venturing off in different directions, on unique adventures.  As I write this, a trio of guys are packing up their gear and getting ready to ship off on a bike trip to San Fransisco.  They have about two weeks to make the tirp down the coast. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous. Prior to that, the housemates we had living here moved out, one of them heading to West Africa and Europe for a few weeks. These different scenarios continue to remind me of my own yearnings.  When I first arrived here in Portland, I could feel the pull of some part of me (which I've been kindly refering to as my ego-self) wanting to attach; put down some roots and really call this place home, maybe even go buy some real curtains for my room. Then I find myself in the travel section of Powell's books, and my heart races as I flip through the World Atlas, and skim over maps.  I notice the twinge of envy as the boys pack up their bikes and head South.  It is truly lovely here and I am enjoying every moment of everyday (especially since summer has finally arrived!). I find Portland to resonate in so many ways, with the lifestyle I prefer. Yet I also notice that I am getting more comfortable with this sense of non-attachment.  I remember that though it may not be what everyone around me is doing, my decisions excite me.

 Striving to be patient with myself and remain present with the hear and now, surrendering to the current of life.

Something occured

"Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Yes we are going to suffer, yes we are going to have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back - and at some point everyone looks back - she will hear her heart saying, "What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed upon you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.'"
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by."
~ Paulo Coelho

From the West Coast.

Moved. Transitioned(ing?).  Plucked up, re-planted.  All of this planning, preparation, organizing and THINKING goes into this and then BAM all of a sudden it's just happening.  One thing I have come to understand about myself is that I am a slow-processor. What I mean by that is, some people can just be in a situation and react to it.  For me, it takes some time for me to digest it and then react.  This morning I woke up and didn't realize where I was at first.  Then slowly things began to fall into place.  As I began to move about the morning and feel my feet under me, I could tell I wasn't quite present.  I was sort of putting my feelers out there, but not quite feeling yet. If that makes any sense. Eventually, as if I just needed to warm up, I began to feel myself coming to, waking up, becoming present in the moment.  It felt good.

Let's get some specifics out on the table so we are all on the same page here: I moved from Cambridge, MA to Portland, OR. No job, not attending school, just came to come. I have a wonderful living situation out here and some amazing friends. As different and far away as I feel, it also feels completely good to be here.  I was craving different, I was craving new and a bit crazy.  However, I will admit my ego speaks up every now and then saying "don't you want to claim this as your own, how can we do that?" I can tell this part of me, my ego-self, wants a sense of identity here.  Something to call my own.  Instead, I am willing and ready to allow this leg of my journey to be transient. I had the solid ground, I had the routine and I decided to leave that behind. While all of this jibber jabber is going on in my mind, I want to listen to my heart. What is it that I really want? I'm here, in a community I feel so connected to already, surrounded by people with similar ideals and values and could easily find myself wanting to actually put some roots down.  Is that ego talking though? Because I also have this part of my that wants to fly.  I do feel a bit confused, fuzzy and torn as to what I want. Ya know, just in case you couldn't tell.

I'm going to stay present, I'm going to breath, and I'm going to listen to my heart. 

"Ms. Tretter why do you have to leave?"

"What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land"
~ Ernesto Che Guevara



Slowly I feel the roots coming up. The knots untangling, the strings detaching. I am experiencing the feeling of tearing away from all I am doing here, all I know here.  Each day that goes by brings with it a new handful of goodbyes and it's fair share of "last times." Each moment presents a new chance to be fully aware of what I am doing.  It's a gift and a challenge at the same time. I have been so blessed to have the people in my life who have helped, encouraged, inspired, and challenged me. From those I have lived with, to those I have only known at a distance and all those in between, each have left me with so much gratitude for their words of advice and their words of caution. I find that as I open up to co-workers, friends, family, almost-strangers about what I'm doing, instantly there is a different connection.  I'm putting my dreams, vulnerabilities and quite spotty plan on the table and each reacts in such a unique way.  Each reaction is a chance for me to recognize my Self in it all.