Same place. Same time. New perspective.

Life goes by. Moments pass, experiences fade into what was, and suddenly here I am, standing in a place in time that I once looked forward to from another place in time. Or really, here I am standing in the present moment, a place I looked at from the present moment. How strange.  It seems that even as I turn the pages in my agenda book, or flip through the months on my calendar, I really am never anywhere else but right here, now. I plan and organize so that when I get there, I am ready.  But then when I get there, I realize I am still here.  Even as the sun sets & rises, all we have is here.  As the moon waxes and wanes, all we have is now. I realize, the only thing that truly changes is my state of mind. In this place in time, where I always am, I have a new perspective.

So perhaps what's new is actually not this place, not this time.  Perhaps, what is new is me.  What has changed is me. Maybe, time is only the illusion of Life happening to me. New parts of myself that are open. Other parts of myself that have unhinged and I no longer carry with me.  And perhaps I can surrender the feelings of needing more time, a different place.  I can surrender deeply into this moment.  Knowing, trusting that all I need is here, now. 

Falling is like this

Once I let go, I fell

into a place at once foreign and familiar.

A place where my heart speaks louder than my doubt.

Where my soul sings louder than my fear.

Once I let go, I fell

into alignment with my deepest self.

Old patterns recognized and removed.

Practicing, learning, growing, burning.

Once I let go, I fell.

Dropping ever more into a state of awareness

of my Self, my interactions, my conversations, my intentions.

Falling. 

Into Love.

Into Life.

Into Light.

It's time to let go, and fall.

A rant & rave.

My hope is  that we begin see beyond this eco-friendly, green gimmick that is being shoved down our throats as sustainable. To sustain something is to nourish it. To keep it alive.  More production and more consumption, even if it is toxic-free, organic, raw, or whatever the catchphrase of the week is, is not nourishing anything other than our egos. We tell ourselves we need this or that to stay warm, stay cool, stay blemish-free, stay awake, stay asleep.  We have fallen prey to the illusion that the thing outside of ourselves will bring us peace, fulfillment and love. As an industrialized, "advanced" society, we are enslaved to the vicious and aggressive cycle of production and consumption that is zapping our resources, destroying habitats, and bringing us more and more out of balance with Nature.

 I don't believe it's always been this way, in fact I think there are still many cultures that live in harmony with Earth instead of constantly disrupting and destroying it. As an industrialized society, we view these cultures as primitive, underdeveloped perhaps.  Yet take a another look and maybe we'll notice the ways in which their simple, natural and ancient approach to life here on Earth offers a sense of abundance, joy and peace that we don't come close to here in this Country (or other parts of the industrialized world). 

It seems to me that we are in fact the primitive culture. We are so reliant on things, so dependent on a consistent level of comfort, that we have completely abandoned our basic survival instincts that play a crucial role in helping to recognize what is good for us and what will bring us harm. Christ, many people do not even understand the process their food underwent to make it to their plate. We have gotten so wrapped up in a material world of commerce, that we continue to neglect any accountability for how our actions affect those around us including not just people, but animals, trees, the air we breathe and the water we drink.

Instead, we invest our energy and our money into perpetuating the destruction. The lifestyle of a typical Industrialized culture is counter productive in terms of sustainability, health, environmental preservation, and attaining a sense of peace and harmony. Violence will not get us there. Money will not get us there. Greed will not get us there. As a society we need to learn to break our addictions to excess. Break our addictions to things. Break our addiction to bigger, faster, more. We need to wake up to the destruction we don't even realize we participate in.  


Truly, we are the younger brother, the primitive culture. For as a society, we have not yet learned to ride without our training wheels, not yet liberated from the attachments and addictions of a materialism, consumerism and industry. 


Alas, there is hope. We can learn from indigenous cultures, we can learn from nature, we can learn from the garden growing in our backyard.  The power of Mother Nature, the force of this Earth is readily available for us to tap into at any moment. 

A good starting place is being grateful.  I try to take a few moments out of my day, usually in the morning and in the evening, and share gratitude. Gratitude ushers in a higher level of awareness to the present moment, and when we are present in the now we are able to make conscious, healthy choices that support, nourish and sustain. 



Thank you and many blessings <3

There is only now.

Sometimes I don't start things, 

because I don't know where I'll end up.

Sometimes I don't start things,

 because I'm afraid I'll get lost along the way. 

I stay here a few paces before start,

tossing the dice in my hand hoping for the perfect roll.

Unfolded in front of me
the gameboard of life.
But if I don't make a move
I know I can't make the wrong one.

It's time to go The voice whispers. 

It doesn't matter where you end up.

On this journey there is no such thing as lost. 

There is only now.

When we step beyond fear, we step into a realm where anything is possible. This new territory can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable at first.  There is so much space where we are used to feeling fear and doubt.  As we allow ourselves to fall into this newfound freedom, our ego-self reaches out to grab onto anything it can hold on to.  But we breathe. We remember that this is what our soul has been yearning for.  There are things we want to do, places we want to go, people we want to interact with - all that exist beyond the barriers our fears erected.  We have tired of running up against these walls in disappointment or doubt.  We are ready to bring these walls down and align with our deepest and truest self.  We are ready to step into our power.  

Doubt your doubts and they vanish.

Feel your fears and they fade.

Let go of your worries and they fail to materialize.

What will it take for us to really get it that life is about letting go?

-Baron Baptiste

Detachment does not mean isolation. It does not mean to be devoid of emotion or enjoyment.  Detachment means living with out attachments that hold us back from our living to our fullest potential.  Attachments to expectations, attachments to patterns, attachments to outcomes and results, attachments to the stories we tell ourselves, attachments to emotions.  We've carried this all around with us for so long, mostly unbeknownst to us. By recognizing these attachments, we can begin to see how they serve us.  Do they leave us feeling empty and disappointed? Do they keep us yearning for more; an insatiable quest for fulfillment? If so, it's time to let go. 

Most of our attachments are so ingrained is us we don't know they are there, and most of these attachments are rooted in fear.  When we take the time to explore where we hold on and why, we reclaim the power to create the reality we desire. 

Explore. Notice. Breathe. Surrender.  You have the power to create the reality you desire.  Your intentions are rooted in the Greater Good and by living to your fullest potential you are making the world a better place.  The time is now.  Step beyond fear into the limitless possibility of your deepest desires. 

What if we let go of fear?

What if we stepped beyond what we've always done?

What if we stopped telling ourselves the same stories?

What if we let go of where we've been and what we've done?

What if we let go of anger? Resentment? Hatred?

What if we let go of where we want to be and what we want to be doing next?

What's left?

Limitless possibility. 

The secret to life is to live without fear.

I recently learned how to ride my bike with no hands.  To some this may seem trivial, but I must ask...have you ever tried?! I have always been under the impression that riding with no hands was simply something I could not do.  I'd see people cruise by without holding on, looking so relaxed and comfortable and I'd think to myself, "it looks fun, I wish I could do that!" I did try a few times, with no success. I'd get going a comfortable speed, feel very balanced, but the time would come for me to let go of the handle bars and all of a sudden I got scared, and the slightest wobble had me back to a white-knuckle grip. 

Recently, I was sitting with a friend and an arms-free biker cruised by and I commented on how I wished I knew how to do that.  He laughed and said, "well of course you know how to do that. It's really no different than riding your bike holding on.  It's not a matter of balance, you just need to have the courage to let go."  Those words sparked something within me as I realized how often I am reminded what is possible when we have the courage to let go. The following morning as I biked into the sunrise, I decided I'd give it a shot.  I reminded myself that the only difference between hands on and hands off, was courage. I picked up some momentum, let go of the handlebars, and cruised for several blocks relishing in the feeling of CAN.

I find myself in the same inspired state of paralysis on my yoga mat.  I watch as other students gracefully glide up into Birds of Paradise, or fearlessly flip themselves upside down balanced on their heads.  I tell myself, "maybe someday I'll be able to do that. After more practice, once I become a really yogi. But I can't do that now, I'm not ready." Well, similar to my bike-riding breakthrough, something finally clicked within me. I had been attempting Crow Pose for a while, but still wasn't able to get both feet off the ground. I would be so close, and just as I was about to lift off I'd tell myself, "no! I can't! I'll fall forward, I'll break my wrists!" Once again, I would convince myself I can't. Finally, after class one day, I decided to ask for help.  I had always wanted to seek out some individual instruction, but again, always seem to come up with a reason not to - "I don't have time." "She's probably to busy." or "I don't want to be embarrassed when I still can't do it, even with the help."

Back in the studio, with no other students around, the place felt different. Still. I was guided through some preparation and then started to get into the posture.  I moved slowly and I listened to my body. I realized that Rachel, my kind teacher, had no doubt that I'd be able to get into the full pose.  She guided me confidently one step after the other, and I felt her confidence flood out my own fears. I placed my knees on my triceps, engaged my core, and tilted forward. Shifting my gaze in front of me, lifting one than both feet off the ground . Nothing hurt, I didn't fall. In fact, I felt completely amazing as my body took this shape for the first time.

What these moments of sheer and simple brilliance helped me to realize, is that often times we confuse our ability with our willingness. There really is nothing standing in our way of what we truly want, besides our own fears. However, we sometimes get caught up in the same old stories we've been telling ourselves our whole lives.  Stories rooted in old fears of failure, disappointment, or pain.  Stories that have etched themselves into such familiar grooves, that we don't even realize they are there. Friends, what I'd like to remind you is that you have the ability to change these stories.  There is no reason why we should convince ourselves to hold back.  No harm will ever come to us if we consciously choose to move beyond our edge, in the direction of something that will serve us to be better, stronger, kinder, more compassionate human beings. Learning to trust ourselves and our abilities is something we owe ourselves and each other! Imagine if everyone lived to their full potential?

Thus, the the secret to life is truly no secret at all. It is simply a state of mind. When we choose to stop listening to old beliefs and do that which we have not done before, we grow. Change. Inspire. Teach. Learn. 

You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to the world around you to live to your fullest, deepest potential.  Right now, in this moment you have everything you need to do whatever it is you want.  Trust yourself.  Have courage. Let go.

~With love and gratitude~

On love..

This day reminds me to reflect on what Love is.  Someone once tried to convince me it was pink and red, smelled nicely and tasted sweet. Another time, I was told it could only be expressed through the confines of romance, intimacy and sex.  And yet even more interesting perspectives elude to love as a thing, measured by it's weight, cut, shimmer and shine.  

These ideas, void of depth and truth.  Mere distractions from what we are aware of within our highest Self. 

Love is immeasurable, ever present, unwavering. Love doesn't come to us, love is within us. Love a way of being, a state of existence and a conscious choice we can make in each and every moment. 

Love is the smoldering embers of your soul that yearn to be ignited.  
Love is the whisper of your deepest desires that beckon to be heard.

Love is who you are at your core.  

You are love.  Immeasurable, ever-present, unwavering.

 "By attempting to organize the future, we aggravate the present moment"

The art of letting go.

I've lost a lot of things lately. First, I let $60 cash slip out of my back pocket while bike riding home. Next, I had just completed a very satisfying blog entry, which came straight from the heart in the midst of a very creatively constipated few days, and in an instant, with the wrong click of a button (or some other kind of unexplained internet error) things froze, and just like that it was gone.  Lastly, and most recently, a friendship that recently took shape of one kind, is slowly shifting into something different - and its here that I realize the lesson here. The opportunity to walk away with something gained, despite material loss. That once an attachment is formed, be it to a thing, person, expectation or outcome, our relationship with it becomes out of balance. I have noticed this to be the case with each example above: the money, the piece of writing, and the friendship gone awry
 
Losing that money jolted me with the reminder to re-evaluate my current relationship with money, and how this relationship is serving me. This has helped me to make new decisions, shift some behaviors and feel more in alignment with my true vision. Letting go of an authentically inspired piece of writing, expressed in tune with my heart, has helped me to recognize that to write is not to preach, and I am unattached to response of review of my creativity. As for the friendship, like each and everyone of them, an opportunity to see my Self.  The trials and tribulations it presents allow me to look at my self and discern my patterns and habits.  Thus, allowing me to continue to deepen my relationship with, and understanding of, who I am.  It's not a matter of searching, really, but discovering from within. 

And so despite loss, I find myself filled with gratitude.

A birthday wish

 I would like for everyone I know to take a few moments for themselves.  Dismantling fear of judgment from others and from yourself, find stillness.  Setting aside political views and religious beliefs, settle into a few moments of silence.  There is no right way, there is no code of conduct or contract. No prerequisites or rules.  Forgive and forget your own assumptions and expectations and close your eyes.  Perhaps this is the first moment of stillness and silence you've afforded yourself all day; your mind is noisy and distracted, your body may be uncomfortable and restless.  Embrace that. Embrace every single thing about you and what may be coming up for you: feelings, emotions, itches. Breathe.  Breathe deep. Breath loudly.  No one is listening, no one is watching.  These moments are yours and yours alone. And you're beautiful.  Everything about you is radiant. You are giving yourself the most wonderfully rewarding gift you could. Your heart thanks yous, your back thanks yous, your lungs and feet and neck thank you. 

I thank you. 

I am in deep gratitude to everyone who carves out time to do this. You've chosen to practice patience, and begin to develop a stronger sense self-compassion. You've chosen to take a step in the direction of Truth.  In a world of violence, hatred and greed, you absolutely cannot go wrong with patience, compassion and truth. Imagine if everyone took time to do this? For just a moment imagine a person you find yourself frustrated with, or angry with. Be it a sibling or a world leader, imagine how different it would be if that person were just a little more patient, compassionate and honest.  

We've done enough damage to ourselves, our planet and each other. We owe  it to our children, our grandparents, our neighbors and our pets. We owe it to the trees, the ocean and the sun. We owe it to ourselves to become a more patient and compassionate person.

Now that you've filled your own self with radiant love, deep compassion and infinite gratitude share this with your friends.  If everyone I know passes this on to everyone they know, maybe one day we really will have a whole world of more patient, compassionate people.  And that would truly be the BEST birthday present in the whole world.

There is Truth within you.

It's all a matter of...

Through confusion comes breakthrough. Confusion is a good word to describe my current state of mind.  To me, admitting confusion allows room for curiousity, learning and growth. I am experiencing all of these at such a rapid, transforming rate, that it's hard to keep up with it all.  In fact, something I've realized is that my experience with what is unfolding around me is not altered whether or not I capture it in writing.  I used to worry that if I didn't take pictures, I wouldn't remember the experience.  I've found that if I stop worrying about capturing the moments, I experience a much richer feeling of presence that is far more fulfilling than a photo album.  Not to say, of course, that I don't thoroughly enjoy a nice photo album. 

Hm, I wondered how I would start this one.  I didn't know it'd go quite like that.  Anyways, I'm feeling a sense of momentum here that I've been missing, so I'm just going to roll with it.  Perspective, detachment and expectation are these heavy concepts, or rather words that represent heavy concepts, which I have been exploring. By exploring I mean life has smacked me with an experience, event, person, challenge, or all of the above, so that I learn a very valuable lesson. A lesson that helps me peel back layers of conditioning so that I may continue to tap deeper into my Self.  A lesson that opens my heart, stretches my soul and gives my spirit room to flurish.  A lesson that sometimes comes at some cost of heartache, sadness, or frustration, but leaves me with confidence, clarity, and wisdom.

Walking down the street in San Francisco I noticed a sign on a brick building that had two phrases on it.  One phrase was written right-side-up and read: Love will free your soul. Underneath that, and written upside down it read: Love will only break your heart..  I found that in order to read the phrase that was upside down I had to stop and cock my head to the side. I stood there like that and read the phrase outloud - can you just visualize that for a moment? It dawned on me: It all depends on how you look at it.

Our perspective shapes our interaction with the world around us and we have the ability to shape our it.  Our perspective is actually made up of the millions of pieces of who we are: our past experiences, our old habits, our fears, and our expectations. Perspective is the crows nest on the vessel we steer through life. It is our outlook to the world.  Taking time to think about and explore your perspective is a hugely rewarding practice.  I have found that it's helped me truly identify patterns that weave through my life. It has also helped me see that happiness truly is a choice, and fun really is a feeling. Once we create some space to explore perspective, we realize we can shift our perspective.  Once we shift our perspective, of course, things start to look different.  Things eventually become different and change is created.  Perspective. It is truly the catalyst to coming into the present moment and beginning to understand the choices we have in our interaction with the world around us, our relationships with ourselves and the people around us, our level of fulfillment from the things we do, and the fullness to which we get to know ourselves.

Through confusion comes breakthroughs.  Surrender to the unknown occasionally, revel in curiousity, exercise your imagination.

Have conversations that matter. Even if they are with yourself.

Life presents us with an array of opportunities, experiences, people and places.  There are always many paths to choose from, and yet only one we can venture down.  I find stillness within myself and I breathe.  I remind myself that I create the reality around me, by responding to it in a way that cultivates love, gratitude, light-heartedness, enjoyment, and happiness.  The power that lies within each of us is deeper than we dare to dream.  In each moment we can learn something, grow, find something to be grateful for, and find something to love.  Remember, re-action is utilizing hold habits or patterns, things from the past.  Responding to the present moment is being in the present moment. 

We always have the ability to stop, breathe, and choose love.

Be love.

Get your glow on.

I will no longer approach this space with fear or doubt.  I will no longer attach to outcome, feedback (or lack there of), nor will I attach to my own expectations of where I will end up when I am finished.  The truth is that I have gift, and that gift is to express myself through writing.  I find it deeply satisfying and rewarding, and at the same time it is so thoroughly enjoyable.  I feel myself slip into a different state of consciousness when I write, as if my thoughts are translated directly into this space without being edited, censored or polished.  That being said I sometimes get caught and need to make changes so that what is read here actually reflects more closely what I intended.  THAT being said I understand that my intentions could be, and most likely are, different from the intentions from whom ever is on the other side of this - ah, Darci, we are letting go of that, remember?

I've come to a few realizations lately:
1) It isn't necessary for me to translate all of my personal experiences into written word.  Enjoyable as it is, I think it can be a distraction, and even worse a turn-off.  I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself and certain practices I feel are very sacred to me.  My journey of awakening is unique, as is every one's.  It's not important who we feel guided to learn from, what books we read, what teachings we resonate with more so than others.  It isn't important what jewelry we adorn ourselves with, what we tattoo on our bodies, what bumper stickers we put on our cars or water bottles.  What's important is whether we are learning to surrender to the truth that lies within us. For there is only one truth.  There are many paths, many forms of scripture, many names which we give it.  Only one truth.  One energy. One love.

2) Enlightenment isn't something we attain after rigorous practice, hours of meditation, fasting, detaching from all things.  In fact, Enlightenment isn't something we attain at all. 
                                                      Enlightenment is being. 
             Being present. Being awake. Being mindful. Being kind.
Enlightenment is a unique experience for each of us and we find it by tapping into our truth. Enlightenment is within us whenever we are ready for it. But let's be honest: we live on a planet that works against us in the journey in every way.  A planet that promotes fear, dishonesty, greed, and selfishness.  As much as we would LOVE to exist in a state of Enlightenment at all times, we must remember that we are confined to human form, and confined to this planet (for now). We may experience glimpses of Enlightenment, perhaps when holding an infant, holding your loved one; Maybe you experienced Enlightenment while laying under the night sky on a crystal clear night, or standing on a beach looking at the vast beauty of the ocean.  Perhaps you felt Enlightened while giving a speech, or educating people on what you are passionate about. You may  have felt Enlightened when you expressed kindness to a stranger, or were shown kindness by a stranger. These experiences may have been brief, or they may make up the majority of your existence.  It doesn't matter. Enlightenment isn't attainment of anything.  It is a state of being that is within our reach at any moment.
For me, Enlightenment is dancing. Enlightenment is laughing so hard I can't breathe. Enlightenment is being completely present in the moment. Enlightenment means I feel free of doubt, insecurity, fear and jealousy. Enlightenment is being in love.

Ask yourself what takes you to a state of Enlightenment.  You know the answer.  You have always known the answer.  It lies within you, it's always been there and it will always be there. We owe it to ourselves to ask, listen to the answer and then do it. We owe it to ourselves to experience enlightenment. We owe it to our friends, our family, our children, our parents, and generations to come.

Breathe and receive this. I thank you for reading, it is a joy to share my gift with you.

Dream a new world, dream this world anew

On this day 47 year ago Martin Luther King Jr. inspired a generation to dream.  He broke down barriers, tore through restrictions, and inspired a new reality.  He tapped into his gift and shared his light. He did not play by the rules, he did not allow his fear to paralyze him. Because of his courage, his voice, and his gift, people began to believe in the possibility of a new reality.

 I too have a dream.  I have a dream in which I sing and dance through life completely free. Free of fear.  Free of limitation. Free of doubt. Free of attachment to expectation; attachment to anything, anyone, anyplace. A dream in which I am full of love and light, confidence and courage. 

I have a dream where I inspire everyone around me to tap into their gifts, to see the Divine within themselves.  I am inspired too, of course, by the amazing souls around me. People living to their full expressions, restricted by nothing. 

I have a dream in which all human beings are treated with compassion, generosity and kindness. 

 I have a dream in which I am loved deeply and understood completely. A dream where I am seen and heard. Where I have purpose, balance, and courage. 

I have a dream in which I wake up to this reality.

Culture shocked.

Today was an adventure. Everday is an adventure, of course, but today in particular I had many of those "whoa, my life." moments. It began at 7am when I realized I missed my alarm by 15 minutes. The plan: Get up and in the car, sleeping children in tow, arrive at the Greyhound station in town about 45 minutes away in time to make the 8:40am bus heading North up Interstate 5 to Portland.  Now this plan was talked over and developed the night before, while the blueberry jam project that began at 1 that afternoon continued past midnight.  After tossing different ideas around, it was decided that we would in fact do our best to get up and get me on the early bus.  So at 7am this morning I was rolling out of bed, missing those extra 15 minutes to roll around and try to shake off my dreams. Seamlessly the two sleeping children were transplanted from bed to car (not a fun transition for anyone) and we were en route down the mile long, dusty drive way just in time for the sun to start kissing the green mountainside.  Just the other day we were talking about how great it is to have a mile long drive way where the fastest one should drive is 15mph, because it allows for plenty of time to acclimate and confirm you have everything you need for wherever you are headed.  It was agreed by all parties that all to often we go running back inside for the forgotten set of keys, wallet or the like.  Well this morning the driveway came through for me as I realized I had forgotten my iPod just as we closed and locked the gate.  With a 6 and a half hour bus ride, followed by a full day of flying, there was no way I was leaving without my iPod.  My jewlery on the other hand still sits on the kitchen sink, as that realization didn't come until we were already on paved road 20 minutes into town.  All is well, rings or no rings.

Well, we rejoiced with our early arrival and rewarded ourselves with coffee, pulling into the small, concrete Greyhound Station promptly at 8:30. I ran in to buy my ticket before saying goodbye to my friends, and was informed that the bus was running a half hour behind schedule. :sigh: What's a half hour when I haven't even had a clock to reference for the past week? Hugs and kisses were exchanged as I said farewell to my new home on the West Coast for the next couple of weeks.  As I sat waiting for the bus I celebrated the most cell phone service I'd had in a while by making some catch-up phone calls.  After 45 minutes went by I was tired of chatting and realizing that the conversation among the other bus riders sounded grim.  Horror stories were being exchanged about breakdowns, accidents, buses that just never showed up, hours spend on dark interstates while drivers tried to hunt down mechanics.  I reminded myself that whatever adventure lay ahead of me would be worth it.  I had no deadlines to meet, not schedule to follow - only that I had a plane to catch in two days. This was a good mindset to maintain as I passed the next two hours getting to know my fellow northbound passengers.  A heavyset woman of about my age sat on the bench next two me and explained that she was headed North to Salem where she had to catch another bus East to a small town where she worked as a bar back, a job she loathed, "it's all the shit work." she explained. Every 20 minutes or so she would get up and walk over to the road and announce that the bus wasn't coming yet, just another semi that looked and sounded like it could be the Greyhound from far away.  There was also a gentleman sporting a Hawaiian style shirt, missing a few back teeth reminiscing about his days driving a semi down 10% grade declines and through canyons from Arizona to Canada.  He didn't take many breaks from his conversation and I felt sort of bad to the woman standing next to him, because she didn't get a word in edgewise.  She did seem genuinely interested in his stories, though, responding at all the appropriate times with a heartfelt, "oh indeed." or "surely not." At one point during our long wait, we all joked about using our positive thoughts to materialize a bus right before our eyes.  Indeed, this idea began when I kindly suggested that we change our energy to a more positive vibe so as not to manifest one of the horror stories actually coming true.  Anyways, we decided that if we were to materialize a bus right before our eyes, it might as well be a brand, spakin' new bus with a clean bathroom and comfy seats, and the genuine listening lady laughed as she said, "yes and I would like Deepak Chopra as my seat neighbor."

Well, our sparkly clean, spiritual guru riding bus never showed up, but an old, shabby bus pulled up over 2 hours late, and was most certainly NOT equipped with wifi.  A handful of passengers unloaded looking all too relieved to be getting off.  A ten year old boy stepped off, looked rather dreadful and puked right there in front of the line of passengers waiting to board.  He looked up sheepishly as people gagged and turned away, and puked again.  In fact I think he puked a total of 3 times before an adult finally went over to him in a fatherly way, and escorted him away.  It totally grossed me out and I all of a sudden though that renting a car, driving an old van, or ANY other mode of transportation would have been a better idea. I said a quick prayer that the ride be smooth, motion-sickness-free and perhaps an attractive, insightful, conscious young gentleman would be my seat buddy? Pretty please?

Good lord the stench of the bathroom was just awful.  I soon realized why the gigantic ceiling windows were open and air fresheners were hanging from what used to be functioning fans. Good thing it doesn't rain in Oregon in the summer.  The first leg of the journey was just wonderful.  Once the bus got moving the smell was sucked out the windows and I sunk into my seat (praying they occasionally vacuum the seats as travelling, dreadlocked hippies often carry lice and seem to be quite high in numbers in Oregon), enjoying my newly updated iPod and the beautiful mountain scene that was flying by.  The bus struggled into gear as we carved our way up and over them, lurching and groaning quite a bit. We stopped first in Rosenberg, where I hoped out to use the restroom since there was no way I was going anywhere near the hellhole in the back of the bus.  From Rosenberg to Eugene I drifted to sleep for a while, waking up to a stuff neck and pins and needles in my feet.  The time really was passing quickly and it was fun reconnecting with people via text messages, a technological guilty pleasure I had missed. 

We pulled into Eugene at 1:22 and the bus driver announced that we were to be back on the bus by 1:30.  After seeing him leisurely smoke a cigarette in Rosenberg during a 15 minute break that was supposed to only be 5 minutes, I wasn't too worried about time.  I really wanted a clean bathroom, a cup of tea and an excuse to walk around Eugene for just a few minutes. To my delight I found Hawthorne's Cafe and indulged in a cup of organic chai tea, a banana, and a very thorough hand washing ( hoping the smell of my hand soap would last me until the bus was in motion). Back on the bus I was just getting back to my comfortable position across the two seats, when a young man asked if someone was occupying the isle seat.  I realized that there was slim pickin's as the bus filled up.  Moving my stuff to the floor by my feet I realized that the semi-driving, Hawaiian shirt wearing man from our original starting point was signing into the hand of an elderly lady wearing sunglasses.  I had noticed him with her at the station earlier and it was clear that she was either his mother or dear friend, and I was touched by the way he communicated with her so patiently and with such compassion.  To be deaf and blind must be such an incredibly different way to go through this life and I cherish the reminder of how blessed I am to be gifted with both my sight and hearing.  Perhaps this is why he was so chatty at the bus station, having a vocal conversation with someone may not be something he gets to do everyday.

Anyway, I now had a seat buddy who had jumped right into conversation with me about shedding the ego so that we may all live free of suffering.  Hm, interesting.  In fact, the 3 hours to Portland seemed to fly by as we exchanged stories, ideas, and breakthroughs about coming into a more conscious lifestyle.  He went on about finding true love, how women should be served and celebrated, how he had a job to do which is to help wake people up through his music, and he even made sure to tell me I was beautiful and how lucky he was to get a seat next to an angel.  As we rolled into Portland he handed me a small gold chain with a small Ankh hanging from it.  This is a symbol of eternal life, rebirth and life-giving power of the sun.  He thanked me again, and asked if I was interested in hanging out in Portland for a while.  A tad overwhelmed from the whole experience I told him it just wasn't in my flow, but we'd be in touch. 

I walked out of the bus station into the bright sunshine, warm air and sights, sounds and smells of Portland.  Whoa. Culture shock.  There were more cars on one street than I'd seen in the whole week I was on the farm.  I was tempted and tantalized by the smells of the cafe lined streets and decided that before heading home I'd take myself out to dinner.  Only about a block into my walk I realized just how heavy my load was and decided to try the closest place that had a good menu.  I found a cute place that fit the bill, except that there were no open tables outside and it was far to beautiful out to be indoors. "Oh I can fix that" chirped the bartender after I explained my decision making dilemma. She dragged a table and chair out onto the patio for me and I chuckled to myself as I thought about how the power of manifestation. I sat there for a long time enjoying a delicious plate of greens, a decadent home-made hummus plate, and a glass of wine.  Life is good.  After my filling meal something inside of me encouraged me to walk a bit before catching the bus.  In fact, I'd eaten such an energizing meal, why not walk all the way home, this voice encouraged.  I loaded up my things, put my iPod on and started walking.  Portland felt unfamiliar after only a few weeks, and even more so because I was on foot rather than on my bike.  Just how far was Alberta Street from where I was? I pushed the seed of doubt out of my mind, "just keep going" something inside me said.  Orange detour signs put a kink in my planned route, and added a few blocks.  Maybe I should just walk to the bus, my bag must weigh enough that I'll have to pay to check it, plus I dragged my lap top with me thinking I'd use it on the bus.  Again, I shooed the doubt away reminding myself that just 10 minutes ago I was excited about this adventure.  Crossing the Steel bridge was a treat as the sun was beginning to set and glistened off the river, casting a pinkish, purplish shade on Mt. Hood.  Oh Portland, you have a special place in my heart. 

The thing is, Alberta St is uphill from the city center.  Uphill with what was beginning to feel more like 100 pounds is no fun. Unfamiliar with the pedestrian way of things, opposed to the bike lane, I found myself having to jog across a few streets which is also very UNfun with 1000 pounds on your back.  I took breaks and LOVED my breaks.  Throwing off my pack, stretching and shaking things something inside of me said, "just keep going." Crossing a bigger intersection I noticed a young man holding a cardboard sign which I assumed was explaining his current circumstances and asking for money.  I had my iPod in so I didn't hear what he was saying, but noticed he was waving to me.  I pulled out my ear phones and reluctantly stopped, aware of every extra, stagnant second that did not count as a break because my pack was still on. 
"I noticed your pack, looks like your traveling."
"Yep, you could say that"
"You hitch or ride rails?"
"Well, I took a bus here."
"Oh cool, well you ever hitch or ride rails?"
"You mean a train? Yeah I've ridden on trains before"
"I don't mean Amtrak, I mean like freight trains"
"Ohh, no I've never done that"
"Oh, so where ya headed."
"Well, eventually East"
"Like India?"
"No, like Maine."
"Oh, hey you're beautiful"
"Thanks you too, I've really got to be going my bag is super heavy and I've got quite a walk ahead of me."
"Gee thanks, I didn't know that about myself"
"Sure, safe travels"
"Well your travels will probably be safe, so happy travels"
"Thanks and blessing."

Williams is a great bike ride.  It's uphill, but it's slow and gradual so you don't really notice your going up hill.  When you're on a bike.  When you're walking with a million pounds of luggage on your back you notice the hill.  Every time I wanted to stop and take a break I did, and every time I started up again I thought, "Well this isn't so bad." I shifted my bags from shoulder to shoulder and adjusted my straps just enough to shift some weight around.  I thought about the spinach I had eaten for dinner and how that was pumping through my body giving it energy, and even though my shoulders felt like they were filled with concrete, I did in fact have it in me to keep going.  By this point I was way off the bus route I was familiar with.  I was walking the bike route I knew, but I didn't want to jump on a bus and end up even farther away from my destination.  "Just keep going" something yearned inside of me.

As the sun set I finally came to Alberta street and turned East.  Oh Alberta street with your cute cafes, eclectic galleries and fun vibes, I've missed you! Alberta Street is a tease though. It's still a bit of a hike, especially on foot. I finally met up with the number 8 bus route, my original bus route, and even though I only had about a mile left to go (out of what turned out to be a 4 mile walk a ton on my back) I decided to wait for the bus.  I called the hotline and it's expected arrival was 12 minutes.  It would take me that to walk it if I wasn't carrying a herd of elephants on my back. Wait or walk? "just keep going" something yearned inside of me.

As I finally approached the final stretch of the journey something occurred to me: the destination is way more exciting when the journey challenges you.  At the front door I threw off the weight of the world and collapsed inside.  In a way it feels as though I never left.  Everything here looks and smells exactly the same.  The only detectable difference is me. Different clothes, dusty flip flops, longer hair, higher vibration.

Today turned out to stretch me, challenge me, flatter me, and inspire me. I have more of a journey ahead of me still, and I am excited to stay flexible and open to whatever may come across my path.

Thanks for joining.

Humbled.

So it has come to my attention lately that perhaps I need to more clearly articulate my personal struggles in all of this awakening.  If I have somehow made it seem like I was hoping to come out on top, win, or illustrate a seamless, painless, experience than I have sorely missed my point. This journey has had it's fair of obstacles, low points, tribulations and vast uncertainty. Certainly nothing about moving was easy.  Going even farther back, the decision making process alone felt energetically draining.  It was pretty devastating realizing that the way I thought things were going to go, was not in fact what was in store for me.  It really took my breath away on more than one occasions when I had to let go of the way I expected things to go.  Being rejected from school (twice) after pouring my heart and soul into two grueling applications did not feel like a triumph of any sort.  Moving out of an adorable apartment, leaving behind incredibly special people who I love, leaving a job that became part of who I am, realizing I had come to the end of an era and if was to continue to evolve I needed to make a huge shift - none of this felt like winning.  In fact, I felt like I was giving up quite a bit and at the time, I wasn't even clear on my driving force.  Each breakthrough I've experienced has first put me to the test.  Letting go.  It requires us to delve deep inside, take a look at those parts of ourselves we aren't really comfortable with, explore those things, and release them.  This requires a ton of energy, usually some tears, and a it's...well, it's hard.  More than anything it's a process which strips us of attaching to an outcome - winning.  Winning means we've reached the end.  Winning means there was some sort of competition.  If that's what you've heard in all of this, if that's what you're choosing to walk away with, well I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I am quite aware that this journey I'm on is nowhere near the end. Certainly I feel blessed, abundant, loved, fulfilled, excited, nourished. But that is because I was able to make room for those wonderful feelings by looking at fear, doubt, insecurity, and anxiety in the face and then releasing them.  In fact, I still struggle with those feelings on a daily basis. Come on, of course I do.  Each day I wake up and remind myself to let go.  There are moments when I question everything around me, what my life has become.  I find my heart racing, even sometimes I find myself picking at my thumbs - a nervous habit I've had all my life.  I never promised to have all the answers, in fact in the very beginning of this I assured my dear readers that I would not have any answers. So may I take this moment to be humbled and recognize that, as we all come into higher consciousness, we experience challenges. Of course the benefits we reap are invaluable, but as I have been reminded, it's important to acknowledge the balance of give and receive. 

In the end we all win, but I'm pretty certain I am far from the end.

playing a bit of catch up.

Beginning sentences are always tough for me. I’m looking to captivate my readers, but at the same time it’s so hard to decide how to kick things off. I’ve recently had some huge transformations, shifts, breakthroughs, realizations and it’s just difficult to explore them in a way that is helpful and inspiring to others, which is really my goal here. The way my life has unfolded over the past several months has been one long, beautiful, awakening journey and I want to share it with you so that you too can see that our realities are ours to create. That’s what I realized a while back, and I made it my mantra. Now here I am, in this wonderful place, with these amazing opportunities, lovely people, invaluable experiences.


At this very moment I am tucked away in the Illinois River Valley of Southwest Oregon living and working on a small, family run farm. Whether I am trimming lavender in the garden, swimming in the refreshing river in the warm sunshine, or organizing handcrafted soap, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "How did I end up here?" I left the East Coast and all I knew, and stepped into so much unknown, trusting my heart and listening to my spirit. Each experience along the way has filled me with so much confidence, joy, knowledge, and insight.

Portland allowed me to begin to feel my own two feet under me. I was able to adjust to being so far away from my previous lifestyle in the comfort of family and friends. I whipped around the city on my bike taking it all in; the people, smells, opinions, arcades, and beer that Portland has to offer. I stopped to smell the flowers, do yoga and learn some bicycle maintenance. I also realized that as much as Portland is an amazing city, far more dynamic and progressive than anywhere else I’ve lived, it’s still a city. My heart felt a tad restless and try as I might, I just couldn’t completely plug in. I decided to let go of the desire to attach and just feel where my flow was pulling me.

I ended up at the unbelievably incredible Oregon Country Fair. I was offered a very rare opportunity to work a booth at the fair with some friends who make their own handcrafted products.  Saying yes to this opportuinty has opened so many doors. What a magical experience. The Fair kind of pulled me in, nourished me, took good care of me and set me free. I danced, I sang, I connected, I completely and entirely let go of any insecurities I’ve felt about myself. On the surface, the Fair is three days of music, arts, forums, handcrafted products, parades, good food, and conscious vibes. It takes place on a beautiful 400 acre plot of enchanted forest that has so much history to it. Take a closer look and one will find that the Fair is a completely conscious event which takes good care of the Earth, giving all who attend a chance to live to their full expressions.  Clothing optional, fairywings encouraged, singing by an open fire, dancing to the beat of a hundred different drums, feeling myself swept away by the current of life. I allowed myself to breath deep and let go.

 I was offered an opportunity to work at a second music and arts festival in North California with the same family I worked with at the Fair, which I accepted with gratitude and excitement. In the week between festivals I camped in Ashland behind Em’s house and just took some time to digest some of the huge shifts I felt happening with me. I explored some new types of yoga, laid in the sunshine, swam in the creek, danced to music and slept under the stars. I had lots of time to connect with myself and check in about how I felt about the flow my life was riding. Each day I woke up and meditated on my intentions. Each day I reminded myself to let go and trust. Let go of my anxieties, worries, insecurities and expectations. Trust that God, Spirit, Creator, Mother, Father, was taking care of me, as long as I kept my heart open and my intentions selfless.
The festival in California was a completely different experience then the Country Fair, and opened me, inspired me, and nourished me in wonderfully diverse ways. I had quite an insightful spiritual reading, which reminded me to stop paying so much attention to the details of every step and trust that I am headed in the right direction. I was reminded that I have a strong mind, leadership qualities and a fiery soul. I will leave footprints wherever I go. I was told to forget the current of life, for I have wings and once I trust myself enough, I will fly. This I know, this I’ve always known.

So now that we are in the dog days of summer, I am spending my time tucked far away in the Siskiyou Mountains, surrounded by the beauty of nature everywhere I look.  I am learning new skills, and gaining a refreshing new view of life.  I am so disconnected from technology and mainstream life, and so able to connect with nature and my Self. I know the Universe in her wise ways has lead me here.  I don't waste time questioning or doubting, because I feel completely fulfilled every moment of every day.  I wake up excited for what the day will bring, and I go to bed feeling satisfied. nurished, and grateful. I’ve had some really interesting experiences with my heart lately too. I’ve learned a lot about my desires around love and how in many ways what I’m lacking most is self-love. I tend look for a certain kind of acceptance and love from others, when in fact I am actually learning to completely and unconditionally love myself. I am aware that until I can fully do this, I won’t really be open to love coming into my life, even if it’s right there in front of me. I think more than anything, what I’m learning is that I have convinced myself for some crazy reason, that I am not worthy of being loved unconditionally for who I am. I have trained myself to believe that I am not deserving of being loved, understood, and accepted. Slowly and deeply I am beginning to untangle that knot of lies. I am learning so much about myself that I love, and I realize that my life will take me exactly where I need to go. Along this journey I will meet people who will love me, teach me, accept me, and understand me. In fact, everyday I am told by an amazing 6 year old that she loves me with all heart and I am her favorite person in the world (after her ma, pa and little sis). How lucky am I?! What it comes down to is that Love comes to us in many different forms. I am showered with love from my own amazing family; I am showered with love from the wonderful friends I’ve had and the wonderful friends I’ve recently met; I am showered with love from the sunshine, moonshine, vast sky filled with wonder, from the refreshing river and the lush garden. I am so abundant that sometimes it takes my breath away.
We create our own realities. My life looks entirely different than it did a few months ago. It will continue to evolve as I move along my path. I encourage you, ask you, beg you, to tell yourself each morning as you wake up: I create my own reality. Each night before you go to bed: I create my own reality. Each afternoon you sit in traffic, make lunch, check your email, go to the store: I create my own reality. We do not have to live someone else’s dream or fulfill someone else’s destiny. Life is far too juicy to not take a huge bite out of.






Much love and countless blessings.

What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

This month has been chock full of learning for me.  Learning, (re)discovering, opening, shifting and surrendering.  I began this journey with only vague expectations, staying open to what opportunities life brought my way.  I take a deep breath in this moment realizing the significance of that affirmation. I find myself moving with incredible momentum on a journey that continues to fulfill me with abudance, love, fun, and a richness of life that I have yearned for. 

After spending a few weeks in Portland, I noticed this restlessness.  I couldn't put my finger on what I was looking for, or what was missing, but I found myself in this routine that left me feeling...well, restless.  Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed riding my bike around the city, getting lost, doing yoga, smelling the roses, gawking at the mountains.  Portland has a vibe I can groove too.  Still, I noticed this void, this lack of connectedness. And of course, this was no fault of Portland's.  I was yearning, calling for, manifesting something beyond this routine. Finally, I gave myself stillness, silence and space to explore this.  Leaning up against Mother Pine in a beautiful, lush park I slipped into a peaceful and powerful meditation.  Initially I felt that familiar voice of doubt.  It tensed my muscles and heated my skin.  I noticed Doubt, acknowleged her and let her go.  Deeper I slid, letting the Earth hold me up.  I could feel my energy bounce around my body, making my joints twitch.  It was like falling, feeling the rush of letting go of all the uncertainty, fear and doubt I hold onto and surrendering to nothingness. If you have ever meditated, you know how amazing this experience can be.  Silence and stillness create room for necessary breakthroughs to take place, realizations to be made.  We are quite good at keeping ourselves busy, our lives noisy and hectic, and our schedules booked.  Quiet, still moments are rare and can sometimes be uncomfortable.  What are we afraid we'll find when we look within?

Since that time in the park, I have felt incredible.  That night I slept better than I had in a long time, waking up feeling rested, awake and excited to be alive.  I noticed this yummy, comfortable feeling in my own skin. Things had certainly shifted for me, leaving me feeling free, light and confident. I began to say yes to opportunities that came my way, relinquishing the hold I had on my plans. Life around me is beautiful and fun.  I feel that I am tapping into the richness and beauty of life.   I decided to jump on the chance to work a booth at the Oregon Country Fair.  When the opportunity for arose, I could feel "the other" start to speak up, voicing doubt and fear.  I went back to the place of peace I found in the park and decided to say yes.  The Fair was a magical, powerful, spirtual experience that continued to nurish my soul with music, love, family, spirituality and a reminder to stay connected with nature. I feel truly blessed to have this experience. 

 It is clear to me that I am moving with momentum in the right direction, but the journey is going to be incredible. When we can take time to go within, listen to our hearts and look to our souls we find all we need to know.  Yes, we will also have to face the doubt, fear and insecurity that may have made a home in there, but we can move through those blocks. On the other side is freedom.

Let go
    Let go
        Let go

Transiency

My current living situation has been very fitting for my current state of mind.  Different people coming and going, venturing off in different directions, on unique adventures.  As I write this, a trio of guys are packing up their gear and getting ready to ship off on a bike trip to San Fransisco.  They have about two weeks to make the tirp down the coast. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous. Prior to that, the housemates we had living here moved out, one of them heading to West Africa and Europe for a few weeks. These different scenarios continue to remind me of my own yearnings.  When I first arrived here in Portland, I could feel the pull of some part of me (which I've been kindly refering to as my ego-self) wanting to attach; put down some roots and really call this place home, maybe even go buy some real curtains for my room. Then I find myself in the travel section of Powell's books, and my heart races as I flip through the World Atlas, and skim over maps.  I notice the twinge of envy as the boys pack up their bikes and head South.  It is truly lovely here and I am enjoying every moment of everyday (especially since summer has finally arrived!). I find Portland to resonate in so many ways, with the lifestyle I prefer. Yet I also notice that I am getting more comfortable with this sense of non-attachment.  I remember that though it may not be what everyone around me is doing, my decisions excite me.

 Striving to be patient with myself and remain present with the hear and now, surrendering to the current of life.