So it has come to my attention lately that perhaps I need to more clearly articulate my personal struggles in all of this awakening. If I have somehow made it seem like I was hoping to come out on top, win, or illustrate a seamless, painless, experience than I have sorely missed my point. This journey has had it's fair of obstacles, low points, tribulations and vast uncertainty. Certainly nothing about moving was easy. Going even farther back, the decision making process alone felt energetically draining. It was pretty devastating realizing that the way I thought things were going to go, was not in fact what was in store for me. It really took my breath away on more than one occasions when I had to let go of the way I expected things to go. Being rejected from school (twice) after pouring my heart and soul into two grueling applications did not feel like a triumph of any sort. Moving out of an adorable apartment, leaving behind incredibly special people who I love, leaving a job that became part of who I am, realizing I had come to the end of an era and if was to continue to evolve I needed to make a huge shift - none of this felt like winning. In fact, I felt like I was giving up quite a bit and at the time, I wasn't even clear on my driving force. Each breakthrough I've experienced has first put me to the test. Letting go. It requires us to delve deep inside, take a look at those parts of ourselves we aren't really comfortable with, explore those things, and release them. This requires a ton of energy, usually some tears, and a it's...well, it's hard. More than anything it's a process which strips us of attaching to an outcome - winning. Winning means we've reached the end. Winning means there was some sort of competition. If that's what you've heard in all of this, if that's what you're choosing to walk away with, well I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I am quite aware that this journey I'm on is nowhere near the end. Certainly I feel blessed, abundant, loved, fulfilled, excited, nourished. But that is because I was able to make room for those wonderful feelings by looking at fear, doubt, insecurity, and anxiety in the face and then releasing them. In fact, I still struggle with those feelings on a daily basis. Come on, of course I do. Each day I wake up and remind myself to let go. There are moments when I question everything around me, what my life has become. I find my heart racing, even sometimes I find myself picking at my thumbs - a nervous habit I've had all my life. I never promised to have all the answers, in fact in the very beginning of this I assured my dear readers that I would not have any answers. So may I take this moment to be humbled and recognize that, as we all come into higher consciousness, we experience challenges. Of course the benefits we reap are invaluable, but as I have been reminded, it's important to acknowledge the balance of give and receive.
In the end we all win, but I'm pretty certain I am far from the end.
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