I will no longer approach this space with fear or doubt. I will no longer attach to outcome, feedback (or lack there of), nor will I attach to my own expectations of where I will end up when I am finished. The truth is that I have gift, and that gift is to express myself through writing. I find it deeply satisfying and rewarding, and at the same time it is so thoroughly enjoyable. I feel myself slip into a different state of consciousness when I write, as if my thoughts are translated directly into this space without being edited, censored or polished. That being said I sometimes get caught and need to make changes so that what is read here actually reflects more closely what I intended. THAT being said I understand that my intentions could be, and most likely are, different from the intentions from whom ever is on the other side of this - ah, Darci, we are letting go of that, remember?
I've come to a few realizations lately:
1) It isn't necessary for me to translate all of my personal experiences into written word. Enjoyable as it is, I think it can be a distraction, and even worse a turn-off. I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself and certain practices I feel are very sacred to me. My journey of awakening is unique, as is every one's. It's not important who we feel guided to learn from, what books we read, what teachings we resonate with more so than others. It isn't important what jewelry we adorn ourselves with, what we tattoo on our bodies, what bumper stickers we put on our cars or water bottles. What's important is whether we are learning to surrender to the truth that lies within us. For there is only one truth. There are many paths, many forms of scripture, many names which we give it. Only one truth. One energy. One love.
2) Enlightenment isn't something we attain after rigorous practice, hours of meditation, fasting, detaching from all things. In fact, Enlightenment isn't something we attain at all.
Enlightenment is being.
Being present. Being awake. Being mindful. Being kind.
Enlightenment is a unique experience for each of us and we find it by tapping into our truth. Enlightenment is within us whenever we are ready for it. But let's be honest: we live on a planet that works against us in the journey in every way. A planet that promotes fear, dishonesty, greed, and selfishness. As much as we would LOVE to exist in a state of Enlightenment at all times, we must remember that we are confined to human form, and confined to this planet (for now). We may experience glimpses of Enlightenment, perhaps when holding an infant, holding your loved one; Maybe you experienced Enlightenment while laying under the night sky on a crystal clear night, or standing on a beach looking at the vast beauty of the ocean. Perhaps you felt Enlightened while giving a speech, or educating people on what you are passionate about. You may have felt Enlightened when you expressed kindness to a stranger, or were shown kindness by a stranger. These experiences may have been brief, or they may make up the majority of your existence. It doesn't matter. Enlightenment isn't attainment of anything. It is a state of being that is within our reach at any moment.
For me, Enlightenment is dancing. Enlightenment is laughing so hard I can't breathe. Enlightenment is being completely present in the moment. Enlightenment means I feel free of doubt, insecurity, fear and jealousy. Enlightenment is being in love.
Ask yourself what takes you to a state of Enlightenment. You know the answer. You have always known the answer. It lies within you, it's always been there and it will always be there. We owe it to ourselves to ask, listen to the answer and then do it. We owe it to ourselves to experience enlightenment. We owe it to our friends, our family, our children, our parents, and generations to come.
Breathe and receive this. I thank you for reading, it is a joy to share my gift with you.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Dream a new world, dream this world anew
On this day 47 year ago Martin Luther King Jr. inspired a generation to dream. He broke down barriers, tore through restrictions, and inspired a new reality. He tapped into his gift and shared his light. He did not play by the rules, he did not allow his fear to paralyze him. Because of his courage, his voice, and his gift, people began to believe in the possibility of a new reality.
I too have a dream. I have a dream in which I sing and dance through life completely free. Free of fear. Free of limitation. Free of doubt. Free of attachment to expectation; attachment to anything, anyone, anyplace. A dream in which I am full of love and light, confidence and courage.
I have a dream where I inspire everyone around me to tap into their gifts, to see the Divine within themselves. I am inspired too, of course, by the amazing souls around me. People living to their full expressions, restricted by nothing.
I have a dream in which all human beings are treated with compassion, generosity and kindness.
I have a dream in which I am loved deeply and understood completely. A dream where I am seen and heard. Where I have purpose, balance, and courage.
I have a dream in which I wake up to this reality.
I too have a dream. I have a dream in which I sing and dance through life completely free. Free of fear. Free of limitation. Free of doubt. Free of attachment to expectation; attachment to anything, anyone, anyplace. A dream in which I am full of love and light, confidence and courage.
I have a dream where I inspire everyone around me to tap into their gifts, to see the Divine within themselves. I am inspired too, of course, by the amazing souls around me. People living to their full expressions, restricted by nothing.
I have a dream in which all human beings are treated with compassion, generosity and kindness.
I have a dream in which I am loved deeply and understood completely. A dream where I am seen and heard. Where I have purpose, balance, and courage.
I have a dream in which I wake up to this reality.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Culture shocked.
Today was an adventure. Everday is an adventure, of course, but today in particular I had many of those "whoa, my life." moments. It began at 7am when I realized I missed my alarm by 15 minutes. The plan: Get up and in the car, sleeping children in tow, arrive at the Greyhound station in town about 45 minutes away in time to make the 8:40am bus heading North up Interstate 5 to Portland. Now this plan was talked over and developed the night before, while the blueberry jam project that began at 1 that afternoon continued past midnight. After tossing different ideas around, it was decided that we would in fact do our best to get up and get me on the early bus. So at 7am this morning I was rolling out of bed, missing those extra 15 minutes to roll around and try to shake off my dreams. Seamlessly the two sleeping children were transplanted from bed to car (not a fun transition for anyone) and we were en route down the mile long, dusty drive way just in time for the sun to start kissing the green mountainside. Just the other day we were talking about how great it is to have a mile long drive way where the fastest one should drive is 15mph, because it allows for plenty of time to acclimate and confirm you have everything you need for wherever you are headed. It was agreed by all parties that all to often we go running back inside for the forgotten set of keys, wallet or the like. Well this morning the driveway came through for me as I realized I had forgotten my iPod just as we closed and locked the gate. With a 6 and a half hour bus ride, followed by a full day of flying, there was no way I was leaving without my iPod. My jewlery on the other hand still sits on the kitchen sink, as that realization didn't come until we were already on paved road 20 minutes into town. All is well, rings or no rings.
Well, we rejoiced with our early arrival and rewarded ourselves with coffee, pulling into the small, concrete Greyhound Station promptly at 8:30. I ran in to buy my ticket before saying goodbye to my friends, and was informed that the bus was running a half hour behind schedule. :sigh: What's a half hour when I haven't even had a clock to reference for the past week? Hugs and kisses were exchanged as I said farewell to my new home on the West Coast for the next couple of weeks. As I sat waiting for the bus I celebrated the most cell phone service I'd had in a while by making some catch-up phone calls. After 45 minutes went by I was tired of chatting and realizing that the conversation among the other bus riders sounded grim. Horror stories were being exchanged about breakdowns, accidents, buses that just never showed up, hours spend on dark interstates while drivers tried to hunt down mechanics. I reminded myself that whatever adventure lay ahead of me would be worth it. I had no deadlines to meet, not schedule to follow - only that I had a plane to catch in two days. This was a good mindset to maintain as I passed the next two hours getting to know my fellow northbound passengers. A heavyset woman of about my age sat on the bench next two me and explained that she was headed North to Salem where she had to catch another bus East to a small town where she worked as a bar back, a job she loathed, "it's all the shit work." she explained. Every 20 minutes or so she would get up and walk over to the road and announce that the bus wasn't coming yet, just another semi that looked and sounded like it could be the Greyhound from far away. There was also a gentleman sporting a Hawaiian style shirt, missing a few back teeth reminiscing about his days driving a semi down 10% grade declines and through canyons from Arizona to Canada. He didn't take many breaks from his conversation and I felt sort of bad to the woman standing next to him, because she didn't get a word in edgewise. She did seem genuinely interested in his stories, though, responding at all the appropriate times with a heartfelt, "oh indeed." or "surely not." At one point during our long wait, we all joked about using our positive thoughts to materialize a bus right before our eyes. Indeed, this idea began when I kindly suggested that we change our energy to a more positive vibe so as not to manifest one of the horror stories actually coming true. Anyways, we decided that if we were to materialize a bus right before our eyes, it might as well be a brand, spakin' new bus with a clean bathroom and comfy seats, and the genuine listening lady laughed as she said, "yes and I would like Deepak Chopra as my seat neighbor."
Well, our sparkly clean, spiritual guru riding bus never showed up, but an old, shabby bus pulled up over 2 hours late, and was most certainly NOT equipped with wifi. A handful of passengers unloaded looking all too relieved to be getting off. A ten year old boy stepped off, looked rather dreadful and puked right there in front of the line of passengers waiting to board. He looked up sheepishly as people gagged and turned away, and puked again. In fact I think he puked a total of 3 times before an adult finally went over to him in a fatherly way, and escorted him away. It totally grossed me out and I all of a sudden though that renting a car, driving an old van, or ANY other mode of transportation would have been a better idea. I said a quick prayer that the ride be smooth, motion-sickness-free and perhaps an attractive, insightful, conscious young gentleman would be my seat buddy? Pretty please?
Good lord the stench of the bathroom was just awful. I soon realized why the gigantic ceiling windows were open and air fresheners were hanging from what used to be functioning fans. Good thing it doesn't rain in Oregon in the summer. The first leg of the journey was just wonderful. Once the bus got moving the smell was sucked out the windows and I sunk into my seat (praying they occasionally vacuum the seats as travelling, dreadlocked hippies often carry lice and seem to be quite high in numbers in Oregon), enjoying my newly updated iPod and the beautiful mountain scene that was flying by. The bus struggled into gear as we carved our way up and over them, lurching and groaning quite a bit. We stopped first in Rosenberg, where I hoped out to use the restroom since there was no way I was going anywhere near the hellhole in the back of the bus. From Rosenberg to Eugene I drifted to sleep for a while, waking up to a stuff neck and pins and needles in my feet. The time really was passing quickly and it was fun reconnecting with people via text messages, a technological guilty pleasure I had missed.
We pulled into Eugene at 1:22 and the bus driver announced that we were to be back on the bus by 1:30. After seeing him leisurely smoke a cigarette in Rosenberg during a 15 minute break that was supposed to only be 5 minutes, I wasn't too worried about time. I really wanted a clean bathroom, a cup of tea and an excuse to walk around Eugene for just a few minutes. To my delight I found Hawthorne's Cafe and indulged in a cup of organic chai tea, a banana, and a very thorough hand washing ( hoping the smell of my hand soap would last me until the bus was in motion). Back on the bus I was just getting back to my comfortable position across the two seats, when a young man asked if someone was occupying the isle seat. I realized that there was slim pickin's as the bus filled up. Moving my stuff to the floor by my feet I realized that the semi-driving, Hawaiian shirt wearing man from our original starting point was signing into the hand of an elderly lady wearing sunglasses. I had noticed him with her at the station earlier and it was clear that she was either his mother or dear friend, and I was touched by the way he communicated with her so patiently and with such compassion. To be deaf and blind must be such an incredibly different way to go through this life and I cherish the reminder of how blessed I am to be gifted with both my sight and hearing. Perhaps this is why he was so chatty at the bus station, having a vocal conversation with someone may not be something he gets to do everyday.
Anyway, I now had a seat buddy who had jumped right into conversation with me about shedding the ego so that we may all live free of suffering. Hm, interesting. In fact, the 3 hours to Portland seemed to fly by as we exchanged stories, ideas, and breakthroughs about coming into a more conscious lifestyle. He went on about finding true love, how women should be served and celebrated, how he had a job to do which is to help wake people up through his music, and he even made sure to tell me I was beautiful and how lucky he was to get a seat next to an angel. As we rolled into Portland he handed me a small gold chain with a small Ankh hanging from it. This is a symbol of eternal life, rebirth and life-giving power of the sun. He thanked me again, and asked if I was interested in hanging out in Portland for a while. A tad overwhelmed from the whole experience I told him it just wasn't in my flow, but we'd be in touch.
I walked out of the bus station into the bright sunshine, warm air and sights, sounds and smells of Portland. Whoa. Culture shock. There were more cars on one street than I'd seen in the whole week I was on the farm. I was tempted and tantalized by the smells of the cafe lined streets and decided that before heading home I'd take myself out to dinner. Only about a block into my walk I realized just how heavy my load was and decided to try the closest place that had a good menu. I found a cute place that fit the bill, except that there were no open tables outside and it was far to beautiful out to be indoors. "Oh I can fix that" chirped the bartender after I explained my decision making dilemma. She dragged a table and chair out onto the patio for me and I chuckled to myself as I thought about how the power of manifestation. I sat there for a long time enjoying a delicious plate of greens, a decadent home-made hummus plate, and a glass of wine. Life is good. After my filling meal something inside of me encouraged me to walk a bit before catching the bus. In fact, I'd eaten such an energizing meal, why not walk all the way home, this voice encouraged. I loaded up my things, put my iPod on and started walking. Portland felt unfamiliar after only a few weeks, and even more so because I was on foot rather than on my bike. Just how far was Alberta Street from where I was? I pushed the seed of doubt out of my mind, "just keep going" something inside me said. Orange detour signs put a kink in my planned route, and added a few blocks. Maybe I should just walk to the bus, my bag must weigh enough that I'll have to pay to check it, plus I dragged my lap top with me thinking I'd use it on the bus. Again, I shooed the doubt away reminding myself that just 10 minutes ago I was excited about this adventure. Crossing the Steel bridge was a treat as the sun was beginning to set and glistened off the river, casting a pinkish, purplish shade on Mt. Hood. Oh Portland, you have a special place in my heart.
The thing is, Alberta St is uphill from the city center. Uphill with what was beginning to feel more like 100 pounds is no fun. Unfamiliar with the pedestrian way of things, opposed to the bike lane, I found myself having to jog across a few streets which is also very UNfun with 1000 pounds on your back. I took breaks and LOVED my breaks. Throwing off my pack, stretching and shaking things something inside of me said, "just keep going." Crossing a bigger intersection I noticed a young man holding a cardboard sign which I assumed was explaining his current circumstances and asking for money. I had my iPod in so I didn't hear what he was saying, but noticed he was waving to me. I pulled out my ear phones and reluctantly stopped, aware of every extra, stagnant second that did not count as a break because my pack was still on.
"I noticed your pack, looks like your traveling."
"Yep, you could say that"
"You hitch or ride rails?"
"Well, I took a bus here."
"Oh cool, well you ever hitch or ride rails?"
"You mean a train? Yeah I've ridden on trains before"
"I don't mean Amtrak, I mean like freight trains"
"Ohh, no I've never done that"
"Oh, so where ya headed."
"Well, eventually East"
"Like India?"
"No, like Maine."
"Oh, hey you're beautiful"
"Thanks you too, I've really got to be going my bag is super heavy and I've got quite a walk ahead of me."
"Gee thanks, I didn't know that about myself"
"Sure, safe travels"
"Well your travels will probably be safe, so happy travels"
"Thanks and blessing."
Williams is a great bike ride. It's uphill, but it's slow and gradual so you don't really notice your going up hill. When you're on a bike. When you're walking with a million pounds of luggage on your back you notice the hill. Every time I wanted to stop and take a break I did, and every time I started up again I thought, "Well this isn't so bad." I shifted my bags from shoulder to shoulder and adjusted my straps just enough to shift some weight around. I thought about the spinach I had eaten for dinner and how that was pumping through my body giving it energy, and even though my shoulders felt like they were filled with concrete, I did in fact have it in me to keep going. By this point I was way off the bus route I was familiar with. I was walking the bike route I knew, but I didn't want to jump on a bus and end up even farther away from my destination. "Just keep going" something yearned inside of me.
As the sun set I finally came to Alberta street and turned East. Oh Alberta street with your cute cafes, eclectic galleries and fun vibes, I've missed you! Alberta Street is a tease though. It's still a bit of a hike, especially on foot. I finally met up with the number 8 bus route, my original bus route, and even though I only had about a mile left to go (out of what turned out to be a 4 mile walk a ton on my back) I decided to wait for the bus. I called the hotline and it's expected arrival was 12 minutes. It would take me that to walk it if I wasn't carrying a herd of elephants on my back. Wait or walk? "just keep going" something yearned inside of me.
As I finally approached the final stretch of the journey something occurred to me: the destination is way more exciting when the journey challenges you. At the front door I threw off the weight of the world and collapsed inside. In a way it feels as though I never left. Everything here looks and smells exactly the same. The only detectable difference is me. Different clothes, dusty flip flops, longer hair, higher vibration.
Today turned out to stretch me, challenge me, flatter me, and inspire me. I have more of a journey ahead of me still, and I am excited to stay flexible and open to whatever may come across my path.
Thanks for joining.
Well, we rejoiced with our early arrival and rewarded ourselves with coffee, pulling into the small, concrete Greyhound Station promptly at 8:30. I ran in to buy my ticket before saying goodbye to my friends, and was informed that the bus was running a half hour behind schedule. :sigh: What's a half hour when I haven't even had a clock to reference for the past week? Hugs and kisses were exchanged as I said farewell to my new home on the West Coast for the next couple of weeks. As I sat waiting for the bus I celebrated the most cell phone service I'd had in a while by making some catch-up phone calls. After 45 minutes went by I was tired of chatting and realizing that the conversation among the other bus riders sounded grim. Horror stories were being exchanged about breakdowns, accidents, buses that just never showed up, hours spend on dark interstates while drivers tried to hunt down mechanics. I reminded myself that whatever adventure lay ahead of me would be worth it. I had no deadlines to meet, not schedule to follow - only that I had a plane to catch in two days. This was a good mindset to maintain as I passed the next two hours getting to know my fellow northbound passengers. A heavyset woman of about my age sat on the bench next two me and explained that she was headed North to Salem where she had to catch another bus East to a small town where she worked as a bar back, a job she loathed, "it's all the shit work." she explained. Every 20 minutes or so she would get up and walk over to the road and announce that the bus wasn't coming yet, just another semi that looked and sounded like it could be the Greyhound from far away. There was also a gentleman sporting a Hawaiian style shirt, missing a few back teeth reminiscing about his days driving a semi down 10% grade declines and through canyons from Arizona to Canada. He didn't take many breaks from his conversation and I felt sort of bad to the woman standing next to him, because she didn't get a word in edgewise. She did seem genuinely interested in his stories, though, responding at all the appropriate times with a heartfelt, "oh indeed." or "surely not." At one point during our long wait, we all joked about using our positive thoughts to materialize a bus right before our eyes. Indeed, this idea began when I kindly suggested that we change our energy to a more positive vibe so as not to manifest one of the horror stories actually coming true. Anyways, we decided that if we were to materialize a bus right before our eyes, it might as well be a brand, spakin' new bus with a clean bathroom and comfy seats, and the genuine listening lady laughed as she said, "yes and I would like Deepak Chopra as my seat neighbor."
Well, our sparkly clean, spiritual guru riding bus never showed up, but an old, shabby bus pulled up over 2 hours late, and was most certainly NOT equipped with wifi. A handful of passengers unloaded looking all too relieved to be getting off. A ten year old boy stepped off, looked rather dreadful and puked right there in front of the line of passengers waiting to board. He looked up sheepishly as people gagged and turned away, and puked again. In fact I think he puked a total of 3 times before an adult finally went over to him in a fatherly way, and escorted him away. It totally grossed me out and I all of a sudden though that renting a car, driving an old van, or ANY other mode of transportation would have been a better idea. I said a quick prayer that the ride be smooth, motion-sickness-free and perhaps an attractive, insightful, conscious young gentleman would be my seat buddy? Pretty please?
Good lord the stench of the bathroom was just awful. I soon realized why the gigantic ceiling windows were open and air fresheners were hanging from what used to be functioning fans. Good thing it doesn't rain in Oregon in the summer. The first leg of the journey was just wonderful. Once the bus got moving the smell was sucked out the windows and I sunk into my seat (praying they occasionally vacuum the seats as travelling, dreadlocked hippies often carry lice and seem to be quite high in numbers in Oregon), enjoying my newly updated iPod and the beautiful mountain scene that was flying by. The bus struggled into gear as we carved our way up and over them, lurching and groaning quite a bit. We stopped first in Rosenberg, where I hoped out to use the restroom since there was no way I was going anywhere near the hellhole in the back of the bus. From Rosenberg to Eugene I drifted to sleep for a while, waking up to a stuff neck and pins and needles in my feet. The time really was passing quickly and it was fun reconnecting with people via text messages, a technological guilty pleasure I had missed.
We pulled into Eugene at 1:22 and the bus driver announced that we were to be back on the bus by 1:30. After seeing him leisurely smoke a cigarette in Rosenberg during a 15 minute break that was supposed to only be 5 minutes, I wasn't too worried about time. I really wanted a clean bathroom, a cup of tea and an excuse to walk around Eugene for just a few minutes. To my delight I found Hawthorne's Cafe and indulged in a cup of organic chai tea, a banana, and a very thorough hand washing ( hoping the smell of my hand soap would last me until the bus was in motion). Back on the bus I was just getting back to my comfortable position across the two seats, when a young man asked if someone was occupying the isle seat. I realized that there was slim pickin's as the bus filled up. Moving my stuff to the floor by my feet I realized that the semi-driving, Hawaiian shirt wearing man from our original starting point was signing into the hand of an elderly lady wearing sunglasses. I had noticed him with her at the station earlier and it was clear that she was either his mother or dear friend, and I was touched by the way he communicated with her so patiently and with such compassion. To be deaf and blind must be such an incredibly different way to go through this life and I cherish the reminder of how blessed I am to be gifted with both my sight and hearing. Perhaps this is why he was so chatty at the bus station, having a vocal conversation with someone may not be something he gets to do everyday.
Anyway, I now had a seat buddy who had jumped right into conversation with me about shedding the ego so that we may all live free of suffering. Hm, interesting. In fact, the 3 hours to Portland seemed to fly by as we exchanged stories, ideas, and breakthroughs about coming into a more conscious lifestyle. He went on about finding true love, how women should be served and celebrated, how he had a job to do which is to help wake people up through his music, and he even made sure to tell me I was beautiful and how lucky he was to get a seat next to an angel. As we rolled into Portland he handed me a small gold chain with a small Ankh hanging from it. This is a symbol of eternal life, rebirth and life-giving power of the sun. He thanked me again, and asked if I was interested in hanging out in Portland for a while. A tad overwhelmed from the whole experience I told him it just wasn't in my flow, but we'd be in touch.
I walked out of the bus station into the bright sunshine, warm air and sights, sounds and smells of Portland. Whoa. Culture shock. There were more cars on one street than I'd seen in the whole week I was on the farm. I was tempted and tantalized by the smells of the cafe lined streets and decided that before heading home I'd take myself out to dinner. Only about a block into my walk I realized just how heavy my load was and decided to try the closest place that had a good menu. I found a cute place that fit the bill, except that there were no open tables outside and it was far to beautiful out to be indoors. "Oh I can fix that" chirped the bartender after I explained my decision making dilemma. She dragged a table and chair out onto the patio for me and I chuckled to myself as I thought about how the power of manifestation. I sat there for a long time enjoying a delicious plate of greens, a decadent home-made hummus plate, and a glass of wine. Life is good. After my filling meal something inside of me encouraged me to walk a bit before catching the bus. In fact, I'd eaten such an energizing meal, why not walk all the way home, this voice encouraged. I loaded up my things, put my iPod on and started walking. Portland felt unfamiliar after only a few weeks, and even more so because I was on foot rather than on my bike. Just how far was Alberta Street from where I was? I pushed the seed of doubt out of my mind, "just keep going" something inside me said. Orange detour signs put a kink in my planned route, and added a few blocks. Maybe I should just walk to the bus, my bag must weigh enough that I'll have to pay to check it, plus I dragged my lap top with me thinking I'd use it on the bus. Again, I shooed the doubt away reminding myself that just 10 minutes ago I was excited about this adventure. Crossing the Steel bridge was a treat as the sun was beginning to set and glistened off the river, casting a pinkish, purplish shade on Mt. Hood. Oh Portland, you have a special place in my heart.
The thing is, Alberta St is uphill from the city center. Uphill with what was beginning to feel more like 100 pounds is no fun. Unfamiliar with the pedestrian way of things, opposed to the bike lane, I found myself having to jog across a few streets which is also very UNfun with 1000 pounds on your back. I took breaks and LOVED my breaks. Throwing off my pack, stretching and shaking things something inside of me said, "just keep going." Crossing a bigger intersection I noticed a young man holding a cardboard sign which I assumed was explaining his current circumstances and asking for money. I had my iPod in so I didn't hear what he was saying, but noticed he was waving to me. I pulled out my ear phones and reluctantly stopped, aware of every extra, stagnant second that did not count as a break because my pack was still on.
"I noticed your pack, looks like your traveling."
"Yep, you could say that"
"You hitch or ride rails?"
"Well, I took a bus here."
"Oh cool, well you ever hitch or ride rails?"
"You mean a train? Yeah I've ridden on trains before"
"I don't mean Amtrak, I mean like freight trains"
"Ohh, no I've never done that"
"Oh, so where ya headed."
"Well, eventually East"
"Like India?"
"No, like Maine."
"Oh, hey you're beautiful"
"Thanks you too, I've really got to be going my bag is super heavy and I've got quite a walk ahead of me."
"Gee thanks, I didn't know that about myself"
"Sure, safe travels"
"Well your travels will probably be safe, so happy travels"
"Thanks and blessing."
Williams is a great bike ride. It's uphill, but it's slow and gradual so you don't really notice your going up hill. When you're on a bike. When you're walking with a million pounds of luggage on your back you notice the hill. Every time I wanted to stop and take a break I did, and every time I started up again I thought, "Well this isn't so bad." I shifted my bags from shoulder to shoulder and adjusted my straps just enough to shift some weight around. I thought about the spinach I had eaten for dinner and how that was pumping through my body giving it energy, and even though my shoulders felt like they were filled with concrete, I did in fact have it in me to keep going. By this point I was way off the bus route I was familiar with. I was walking the bike route I knew, but I didn't want to jump on a bus and end up even farther away from my destination. "Just keep going" something yearned inside of me.
As the sun set I finally came to Alberta street and turned East. Oh Alberta street with your cute cafes, eclectic galleries and fun vibes, I've missed you! Alberta Street is a tease though. It's still a bit of a hike, especially on foot. I finally met up with the number 8 bus route, my original bus route, and even though I only had about a mile left to go (out of what turned out to be a 4 mile walk a ton on my back) I decided to wait for the bus. I called the hotline and it's expected arrival was 12 minutes. It would take me that to walk it if I wasn't carrying a herd of elephants on my back. Wait or walk? "just keep going" something yearned inside of me.
As I finally approached the final stretch of the journey something occurred to me: the destination is way more exciting when the journey challenges you. At the front door I threw off the weight of the world and collapsed inside. In a way it feels as though I never left. Everything here looks and smells exactly the same. The only detectable difference is me. Different clothes, dusty flip flops, longer hair, higher vibration.
Today turned out to stretch me, challenge me, flatter me, and inspire me. I have more of a journey ahead of me still, and I am excited to stay flexible and open to whatever may come across my path.
Thanks for joining.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Humbled.
So it has come to my attention lately that perhaps I need to more clearly articulate my personal struggles in all of this awakening. If I have somehow made it seem like I was hoping to come out on top, win, or illustrate a seamless, painless, experience than I have sorely missed my point. This journey has had it's fair of obstacles, low points, tribulations and vast uncertainty. Certainly nothing about moving was easy. Going even farther back, the decision making process alone felt energetically draining. It was pretty devastating realizing that the way I thought things were going to go, was not in fact what was in store for me. It really took my breath away on more than one occasions when I had to let go of the way I expected things to go. Being rejected from school (twice) after pouring my heart and soul into two grueling applications did not feel like a triumph of any sort. Moving out of an adorable apartment, leaving behind incredibly special people who I love, leaving a job that became part of who I am, realizing I had come to the end of an era and if was to continue to evolve I needed to make a huge shift - none of this felt like winning. In fact, I felt like I was giving up quite a bit and at the time, I wasn't even clear on my driving force. Each breakthrough I've experienced has first put me to the test. Letting go. It requires us to delve deep inside, take a look at those parts of ourselves we aren't really comfortable with, explore those things, and release them. This requires a ton of energy, usually some tears, and a it's...well, it's hard. More than anything it's a process which strips us of attaching to an outcome - winning. Winning means we've reached the end. Winning means there was some sort of competition. If that's what you've heard in all of this, if that's what you're choosing to walk away with, well I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I am quite aware that this journey I'm on is nowhere near the end. Certainly I feel blessed, abundant, loved, fulfilled, excited, nourished. But that is because I was able to make room for those wonderful feelings by looking at fear, doubt, insecurity, and anxiety in the face and then releasing them. In fact, I still struggle with those feelings on a daily basis. Come on, of course I do. Each day I wake up and remind myself to let go. There are moments when I question everything around me, what my life has become. I find my heart racing, even sometimes I find myself picking at my thumbs - a nervous habit I've had all my life. I never promised to have all the answers, in fact in the very beginning of this I assured my dear readers that I would not have any answers. So may I take this moment to be humbled and recognize that, as we all come into higher consciousness, we experience challenges. Of course the benefits we reap are invaluable, but as I have been reminded, it's important to acknowledge the balance of give and receive.
In the end we all win, but I'm pretty certain I am far from the end.
In the end we all win, but I'm pretty certain I am far from the end.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
playing a bit of catch up.
Beginning sentences are always tough for me. I’m looking to captivate my readers, but at the same time it’s so hard to decide how to kick things off. I’ve recently had some huge transformations, shifts, breakthroughs, realizations and it’s just difficult to explore them in a way that is helpful and inspiring to others, which is really my goal here. The way my life has unfolded over the past several months has been one long, beautiful, awakening journey and I want to share it with you so that you too can see that our realities are ours to create. That’s what I realized a while back, and I made it my mantra. Now here I am, in this wonderful place, with these amazing opportunities, lovely people, invaluable experiences.
At this very moment I am tucked away in the Illinois River Valley of Southwest Oregon living and working on a small, family run farm. Whether I am trimming lavender in the garden, swimming in the refreshing river in the warm sunshine, or organizing handcrafted soap, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "How did I end up here?" I left the East Coast and all I knew, and stepped into so much unknown, trusting my heart and listening to my spirit. Each experience along the way has filled me with so much confidence, joy, knowledge, and insight.
Portland allowed me to begin to feel my own two feet under me. I was able to adjust to being so far away from my previous lifestyle in the comfort of family and friends. I whipped around the city on my bike taking it all in; the people, smells, opinions, arcades, and beer that Portland has to offer. I stopped to smell the flowers, do yoga and learn some bicycle maintenance. I also realized that as much as Portland is an amazing city, far more dynamic and progressive than anywhere else I’ve lived, it’s still a city. My heart felt a tad restless and try as I might, I just couldn’t completely plug in. I decided to let go of the desire to attach and just feel where my flow was pulling me.
I ended up at the unbelievably incredible Oregon Country Fair. I was offered a very rare opportunity to work a booth at the fair with some friends who make their own handcrafted products. Saying yes to this opportuinty has opened so many doors. What a magical experience. The Fair kind of pulled me in, nourished me, took good care of me and set me free. I danced, I sang, I connected, I completely and entirely let go of any insecurities I’ve felt about myself. On the surface, the Fair is three days of music, arts, forums, handcrafted products, parades, good food, and conscious vibes. It takes place on a beautiful 400 acre plot of enchanted forest that has so much history to it. Take a closer look and one will find that the Fair is a completely conscious event which takes good care of the Earth, giving all who attend a chance to live to their full expressions. Clothing optional, fairywings encouraged, singing by an open fire, dancing to the beat of a hundred different drums, feeling myself swept away by the current of life. I allowed myself to breath deep and let go.
I was offered an opportunity to work at a second music and arts festival in North California with the same family I worked with at the Fair, which I accepted with gratitude and excitement. In the week between festivals I camped in Ashland behind Em’s house and just took some time to digest some of the huge shifts I felt happening with me. I explored some new types of yoga, laid in the sunshine, swam in the creek, danced to music and slept under the stars. I had lots of time to connect with myself and check in about how I felt about the flow my life was riding. Each day I woke up and meditated on my intentions. Each day I reminded myself to let go and trust. Let go of my anxieties, worries, insecurities and expectations. Trust that God, Spirit, Creator, Mother, Father, was taking care of me, as long as I kept my heart open and my intentions selfless.
The festival in California was a completely different experience then the Country Fair, and opened me, inspired me, and nourished me in wonderfully diverse ways. I had quite an insightful spiritual reading, which reminded me to stop paying so much attention to the details of every step and trust that I am headed in the right direction. I was reminded that I have a strong mind, leadership qualities and a fiery soul. I will leave footprints wherever I go. I was told to forget the current of life, for I have wings and once I trust myself enough, I will fly. This I know, this I’ve always known.
So now that we are in the dog days of summer, I am spending my time tucked far away in the Siskiyou Mountains, surrounded by the beauty of nature everywhere I look. I am learning new skills, and gaining a refreshing new view of life. I am so disconnected from technology and mainstream life, and so able to connect with nature and my Self. I know the Universe in her wise ways has lead me here. I don't waste time questioning or doubting, because I feel completely fulfilled every moment of every day. I wake up excited for what the day will bring, and I go to bed feeling satisfied. nurished, and grateful. I’ve had some really interesting experiences with my heart lately too. I’ve learned a lot about my desires around love and how in many ways what I’m lacking most is self-love. I tend look for a certain kind of acceptance and love from others, when in fact I am actually learning to completely and unconditionally love myself. I am aware that until I can fully do this, I won’t really be open to love coming into my life, even if it’s right there in front of me. I think more than anything, what I’m learning is that I have convinced myself for some crazy reason, that I am not worthy of being loved unconditionally for who I am. I have trained myself to believe that I am not deserving of being loved, understood, and accepted. Slowly and deeply I am beginning to untangle that knot of lies. I am learning so much about myself that I love, and I realize that my life will take me exactly where I need to go. Along this journey I will meet people who will love me, teach me, accept me, and understand me. In fact, everyday I am told by an amazing 6 year old that she loves me with all heart and I am her favorite person in the world (after her ma, pa and little sis). How lucky am I?! What it comes down to is that Love comes to us in many different forms. I am showered with love from my own amazing family; I am showered with love from the wonderful friends I’ve had and the wonderful friends I’ve recently met; I am showered with love from the sunshine, moonshine, vast sky filled with wonder, from the refreshing river and the lush garden. I am so abundant that sometimes it takes my breath away.
We create our own realities. My life looks entirely different than it did a few months ago. It will continue to evolve as I move along my path. I encourage you, ask you, beg you, to tell yourself each morning as you wake up: I create my own reality. Each night before you go to bed: I create my own reality. Each afternoon you sit in traffic, make lunch, check your email, go to the store: I create my own reality. We do not have to live someone else’s dream or fulfill someone else’s destiny. Life is far too juicy to not take a huge bite out of.
Much love and countless blessings.
At this very moment I am tucked away in the Illinois River Valley of Southwest Oregon living and working on a small, family run farm. Whether I am trimming lavender in the garden, swimming in the refreshing river in the warm sunshine, or organizing handcrafted soap, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "How did I end up here?" I left the East Coast and all I knew, and stepped into so much unknown, trusting my heart and listening to my spirit. Each experience along the way has filled me with so much confidence, joy, knowledge, and insight.
Portland allowed me to begin to feel my own two feet under me. I was able to adjust to being so far away from my previous lifestyle in the comfort of family and friends. I whipped around the city on my bike taking it all in; the people, smells, opinions, arcades, and beer that Portland has to offer. I stopped to smell the flowers, do yoga and learn some bicycle maintenance. I also realized that as much as Portland is an amazing city, far more dynamic and progressive than anywhere else I’ve lived, it’s still a city. My heart felt a tad restless and try as I might, I just couldn’t completely plug in. I decided to let go of the desire to attach and just feel where my flow was pulling me.
I ended up at the unbelievably incredible Oregon Country Fair. I was offered a very rare opportunity to work a booth at the fair with some friends who make their own handcrafted products. Saying yes to this opportuinty has opened so many doors. What a magical experience. The Fair kind of pulled me in, nourished me, took good care of me and set me free. I danced, I sang, I connected, I completely and entirely let go of any insecurities I’ve felt about myself. On the surface, the Fair is three days of music, arts, forums, handcrafted products, parades, good food, and conscious vibes. It takes place on a beautiful 400 acre plot of enchanted forest that has so much history to it. Take a closer look and one will find that the Fair is a completely conscious event which takes good care of the Earth, giving all who attend a chance to live to their full expressions. Clothing optional, fairywings encouraged, singing by an open fire, dancing to the beat of a hundred different drums, feeling myself swept away by the current of life. I allowed myself to breath deep and let go.
I was offered an opportunity to work at a second music and arts festival in North California with the same family I worked with at the Fair, which I accepted with gratitude and excitement. In the week between festivals I camped in Ashland behind Em’s house and just took some time to digest some of the huge shifts I felt happening with me. I explored some new types of yoga, laid in the sunshine, swam in the creek, danced to music and slept under the stars. I had lots of time to connect with myself and check in about how I felt about the flow my life was riding. Each day I woke up and meditated on my intentions. Each day I reminded myself to let go and trust. Let go of my anxieties, worries, insecurities and expectations. Trust that God, Spirit, Creator, Mother, Father, was taking care of me, as long as I kept my heart open and my intentions selfless.
The festival in California was a completely different experience then the Country Fair, and opened me, inspired me, and nourished me in wonderfully diverse ways. I had quite an insightful spiritual reading, which reminded me to stop paying so much attention to the details of every step and trust that I am headed in the right direction. I was reminded that I have a strong mind, leadership qualities and a fiery soul. I will leave footprints wherever I go. I was told to forget the current of life, for I have wings and once I trust myself enough, I will fly. This I know, this I’ve always known.
So now that we are in the dog days of summer, I am spending my time tucked far away in the Siskiyou Mountains, surrounded by the beauty of nature everywhere I look. I am learning new skills, and gaining a refreshing new view of life. I am so disconnected from technology and mainstream life, and so able to connect with nature and my Self. I know the Universe in her wise ways has lead me here. I don't waste time questioning or doubting, because I feel completely fulfilled every moment of every day. I wake up excited for what the day will bring, and I go to bed feeling satisfied. nurished, and grateful. I’ve had some really interesting experiences with my heart lately too. I’ve learned a lot about my desires around love and how in many ways what I’m lacking most is self-love. I tend look for a certain kind of acceptance and love from others, when in fact I am actually learning to completely and unconditionally love myself. I am aware that until I can fully do this, I won’t really be open to love coming into my life, even if it’s right there in front of me. I think more than anything, what I’m learning is that I have convinced myself for some crazy reason, that I am not worthy of being loved unconditionally for who I am. I have trained myself to believe that I am not deserving of being loved, understood, and accepted. Slowly and deeply I am beginning to untangle that knot of lies. I am learning so much about myself that I love, and I realize that my life will take me exactly where I need to go. Along this journey I will meet people who will love me, teach me, accept me, and understand me. In fact, everyday I am told by an amazing 6 year old that she loves me with all heart and I am her favorite person in the world (after her ma, pa and little sis). How lucky am I?! What it comes down to is that Love comes to us in many different forms. I am showered with love from my own amazing family; I am showered with love from the wonderful friends I’ve had and the wonderful friends I’ve recently met; I am showered with love from the sunshine, moonshine, vast sky filled with wonder, from the refreshing river and the lush garden. I am so abundant that sometimes it takes my breath away.
We create our own realities. My life looks entirely different than it did a few months ago. It will continue to evolve as I move along my path. I encourage you, ask you, beg you, to tell yourself each morning as you wake up: I create my own reality. Each night before you go to bed: I create my own reality. Each afternoon you sit in traffic, make lunch, check your email, go to the store: I create my own reality. We do not have to live someone else’s dream or fulfill someone else’s destiny. Life is far too juicy to not take a huge bite out of.
Much love and countless blessings.
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